Tagged: Reflections

Feb 22

A New Dawn, A New Day, A New Life

Just before the turn of the new year, I wrote about a dream assignment and a desire to stretch myself more as a writer. I wrote about possibilities and being at a fork in the road.

And then I went silent for a while. Why? Because I got to work. Sort of…

The truth is that the assignment at Infusionsoft turned into an amazing job offer as a staff writer, with one hitch: I had to move to Phoenix. And while the decision to accept the offer was sort of a no-brainer, I’ve been working these last two months planning my transition.

Here I am with seven days before the big move and the last week for me to wrap up my bigger freelance projects. I’ve got boxes all over my house, boxes that will get packed into a moving truck next week, when I uproot my life here in sunny SoCal, for a new start in the Arizona desert.

It’s all at once exhilarating and stressful. The boy doesn’t want to move, so there’s the guilt about uprooting his life. I have friends and community here that I’ll miss. I’ll miss the beach and freelance freedom. What I won’t miss is the bustle of SoCal living. And while I’ll miss the flexibility of being my own boss, I don’t think I’ll miss having to hustle so hard to support myself and my family.

Speaking of family, with the new income and the new house, the elder boy will be able to come live with me again. Sometime near the end of the year, my long distance for too long honey will return for good. And poof, I’ll have all my boys under one roof.

It’s all a little too much to process right now. I’m still processing the idea of leaving the beach. But in seven days, that’s exactly what I’ll be doing.

Image courtesy of Sean MacEntee

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Posted in My Life, On The Job

Jun 20

Of Mourning, Lost Time and Last Words

I had a feeling this day would be arriving sooner than I was comfortable with admitting. And still I kept telling myself there would be more time. Another Christmas to pop in and sit with him for a while. Another Mother’s Day that maybe we’d have brunch together. Another day I could call and just tell him I love him.

But time ran out and now I’m left with this mourning.

My brother called before sunrise to tell me that our dad had passed. Only, he couldn’t actually say it. He was just crying and I didn’t need him to say the thing I knew he couldn’t say. So I said it for him. And for a moment, I felt myself go numb.

My dad had been very sick for a long time. He had been depressed and lonely since losing the love of his life to breast cancer. He hadn’t been the daddy I remembered for many years and we had grown apart.

As I got older, I started feeling like maybe I never knew my dad very well. He was an emotionally-closed man of few words. But somehow I always knew that he loved me. And I loved him. And we loved each other the best way we knew how.

Unfortunately, when I wasn’t making the effort, we went long stretches without seeing each other. The kid in me wanted her daddy to just pick up the phone and call her. The adult in me wanted the kid to get over it and call dad. And I did, once…about a year ago.

He was in the hospital and I was afraid that would be my last chance to talk to him. I asked him if I should visit and he told me he’d call me when he got home — which, of course, he never did. As we talked I asked him about his health and he spun me some bullshit about being ok. I wanted to believe him, but I knew he wasn’t well. Still, I didn’t push. We had a short conversation before we ran out of things to say and began our goodbyes.

“Dad,” I said. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Kimberlee.”

And those were the last words we said to each other.

The next time I saw him, he was in the hospital again. This time in a diabetic coma and even more frail than I remembered. I almost didn’t recognize him. I sat next to his bed wishing I knew more about his condition…hoping he’d wake up and I would have one more chance to talk to him.

That was three weeks ago and today I got the call I had been expecting — and dreading. And while I wish I had been brave enough to visit him in recent years, I am so grateful that the last thing we said to each other was “I love you.”

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Posted in My Life, Well That Sucks

Apr 27

Revelations from being unfocused and frustrated

Somehow I knew that I was going to have a hard time focusing when I went to yoga yesterday. I need to do laundry and I was wearing these shorts that are fine in the house, but otherwise make me feel really exposed. The class is heated anyway and it was either wear the shorts or skip yoga, and I really wanted to go. So I wore the shorts hoping for a spot on the back wall, where no one would be behind me.

Instead I ended up second row from the front, with two guys and a scent happy woman behind me. I was already feeling like I’d be flashing everyone when I got into downward dog, and then the instructor turned the lights up. I was uncomfortable, self-conscious, disconnected from my breath and just waiting for the class to be over.

I tried to fight through and find a focused place but ended up leaving about 10 minutes before the class ended, frustrated. With everything. Frustrated about the unfocused and ineffective yoga experience. Frustrated that things didn’t go according to plan. Frustrated about having to wait. Frustrated with my finances.

And what does all this frustration get me?

It doesn’t make the things go my way. Doesn’t make me stop wanting. Doesn’t help the focus. Doesn’t help me be happy.

I recalled previous yoga instructors reminding us to be focused and present on the mat and how that focus was always what made the yoga experience most effective and fun.

Its so natural for the mind to wonder off to some moment other than the one you’re experiencing right now. To get so focused on what’s next that you become frustrated and ineffective. But I have never found yoga as frustrating as when I struggled to connect with my breath and be present on the mat.

Such is the same with building a business, a relationship, and even with raising kids. The more present we are in each individual moment, the more those moments make you stronger and wiser. And each focused moment builds momentum to move you closer to your vision.

Image by Funkdooby

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Posted in Goal Setting, My Life

Apr 11

The new battle for civil rights

Last week I cried.

It was the day the government almost shut down and Trump was on MSNBC’s Today using the theory that President Obama was not a citizen as a ploy for ratings.

And I thought about this thread I keep hearing in the political code, about America being for “real Americans” and working to make American the great nation it once was.

I cried because I know how great this country is and can be. Because I am an example of the American Dream and because I am disturbed by the racist political code that implies that Barak Obama isn’t a “real American.” I cried because I think about the nostalgia for the 50s and what seems like nostalgia for the pre-Civil Rights era.

Do we really want to go backwards, returning to a time of inequality for women and people of color? It wasn’t until the Civil Rights Act of 1964 that schools were desegregated (though one could argue that schools are still segregated, but by economics rather than race), and gender became a protected class under the law. The first Black American, and a woman, Shirley Chisolm ran for President in 1972 and in 1981 the first woman was appointed to the Supreme Court.

As many Civil Rights scholars will point out, civil rights and women’s rights are and have always been inextricably linked. And it is clear that women are being targeted with both the attack on labor unions (which exempted the male dominated industries such as fire and police), and in the current backlash against women’s health and reproductive rights.

Are women not “real Americans?” Are our grandparents, who were among the first to feel the tightening of the social safety net, not “real Americans?” Are poor Americans less American because they are poor? Is the 44th President — and the first African American President of the United States — not a real American because he is “African American?”

What of all the people who immigrate to the US thinking of the Statue of Liberty’s declaration to bring the cold, tired, hungry and huddled masses yearning to breathe free?

Is it that the United States of America is no longer the land of infinite possibility and opportunity?

I cried because it became very clear to me that there really are people who are enemies to my liberty and wish to reverse many of the things that make this country so great. People who would disparage the first black President with implications that his blackness makes him less American than his predecessors. People who would rather pit working people against each other, while they deny us the right to equal protection under the law.

Then I remembered that it was women who fought for women’s rights and workers who fought for workers rights and African Americans who fought for desegregation. It is the responsibility of those who value freedom to be ever vigilant to guard that freedom from those who would strip it away.

And all I can do is hold on to my deep and enduring hope and trust in the human spirit. Just as I was raised with the knowledge that people fought for the rights I enjoy today, my generation is being challenged to a new civil rights battle. Who knows how the battle will play out, but I know that I am read to do my part to fight for my freedom and the freedom of future generations.

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Posted in Politics

Jan 26

Life in motion and pondering possibilities

This last week and a half has been interesting. I say interesting because I’ve been productive, relaxed and well received by the Boy.

I’m always talking about how my life has changed and the truth is that life is always changing and shifting. Still the magnitude of change for me, after my life having been fairly stagnant for the better part of a decade, has astounded me. I won’t recount everything that’s happened over the last few years (again). What I will say is that life in motion is so much more fun than life in pause.

Which brings me to a few more changes that are impending. Some of these changes are already in the works, while others are just ponderances of possibility.

What possibility am I pondering? The possibility of becoming a health and fitness professional. I suppose submitting an application for a yoga teacher training program is a little more than pondering, but it felt right. Because what better way could I find to incorporate fitness into my life than to teach fitness to others?

There’s this voice in my head that keeps saying I’m not fit enough to teach fitness to others. But that voice is a lie and as I submitted my application, answering the questions designed to gage my desire to become a yoga instructor, I had this feeling of excitement. It was excitement about the possibility of entering yet another new phase of life and not knowing what’s on the other side of the open door. Excitement about taking a leap of faith.

And why shouldn’t I make that leap? This is what the life in motion is all about. Who knows? Maybe life will continue to reward my leaps with positive return and more possibilities to ponder.

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Posted in Goal Setting, My Life

Dec 31

Bringing in the New Year in Ireland

I started to reflect before I hopped on the plane, but since I didn’t find the time, here I am…wishing everyone a happy New Year from Ireland.

Thanks right. Its more than appropriate for you to be jealous…I’ll give you a minute…

Ok minute over.

Left home on the 27th, and I don’t return until the 7th. I’m having a ball with the love of my life in his country, drinking and singing and telling stories and laughing our asses off.

I have to admit that while I love the city, all I had to do was see the verdant hills of the vast countryside and hear the silence to appreciate the appeal. It is truly one of the most beautiful places on the planet.

As I write this I am surrounded by the euphoria and joy, I can’t help but be grateful for life, love and friends (even if they’re someone else’s). I am truly amazed at the differences and — most importantly — the similarities.

I want to bring the Boy and the Kid here so they can see the wood, and see that all the world does not exist on one continent.

So…for some reflection.

I’ve learned that nothing goes according to plan. That life goes on, so fuck your plan. If things don’t go according to plan, you recalibrate the plan. I’ve also learned that certain things are more important to me than others (like living near the beach) and faced the truth (that I deserve everything I desire) and debt…

And now I’m in Ireland.

Suffice it to say, 2010 was eventful and transformative. And I fully expect 2011 to be the same.

So happy New Year from Ireland. May the this year be a prosperous for all of you.

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Posted in My Life

Apr 21

Teachers save lives, these are the ones who saved mine

Yesterday I wrote about bullying and raising confident kids and this morning I got an email from the Freedom Writers Foundation: “Teachers Save Lives.”

In another lifetime I might have rolled my eyes but I can honestly say that there are a couple of teachers who saved my life. There was Mr. Christianson, a substitute teacher I had in the 5th grade who made math fun. I was struggling and most of the year I got Ds on the math tests. Mr. Christianson helped me get a B. And it was the best B I ever earned.

There was Mrs. Levine, the edgy 7th grade English teacher who introduced me to Daniel Steel. She had a book rack next to her desk and we were to always have a book “checked out”–a book of Mrs. Levine’s choosing. She’s sit with her feet kicked up on the desk, spin the book rack slowly and study the books pensively. You knew she’s made a choice when she stopped spinning and took her feet off of the desk and pull the book from the rack.

“This is a little edgy,” she said. “There are adult themes.” She held to book out and then took it back again. “I think you can handle it.”

She handed me the book and shooed me away. When I read the first sex scene (probably not far into the book) I was a little surprised. The choice of Daniel Steel was perfect because the language was simple, but it was more mature than Baby-Sitters Club (which I’m pretty sure I read every book in the series AND Baby-Sitters Club Baby Sisters). It was time for more mature content. I moved on from Daniel Steel pretty quickly but Steel was definitely a gateway to mystery, romance and fantasy books.

There was Cheri Swatek, my high school swimming coach. I was ditching classes and skipping practice and she gave me a choice. I could either keep ditching and skipping or I could be on the swim team. I couldn’t do both. I had to commit. Swimming was about the only thing I really cared about at that time, so I chose swimming. Of course that also meant not ditching (or ditching less…what? Just sayin’) and not missing a single practice. I also had to maintain at least a C average and I could do that in my sleep (a lot of the time I did).

I wanted to swim, I chose to stay engaged in school. That’s what Cheri gave me.

Erin Gruwell, the ultimate mentor and founder of the Freedom Writer’s Foundation, also saved my life. I laugh now, thinking about it because I was in denial about it for a while. Maybe it’s because I feel like my biggest change took place later than others, I don’t know. I know that Erin taught me what Do or Die meant. She taught me to take leaps of faith and know that I could make myself, through my choices. I had only to choose my path and then walk it; against all odds. And when it seemed like my dream of being the first in my family to graduate from college was slipping away, Erin gave me a lifeline.

That lifeline was the Freedom Writer’s Diary (which I co-authored and edited) and a full scholarship (tuition, books, bus passes, learning disability assessment, counseling, tutoring) to Cal State Long Beach (GO BEACH). College was the most amazing start to the rest of my life, one of the best gifts I’ve ever received and one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I remember riding in Erin’s car one day and she said to me, “Kimberlee, you are going to become the poster child for the successful-person-post-teen-aged pregnancy.” At the time, I laughed it off because it made me uncomfortable and my brain painted a literal picture (with my face on a poster). She wasn’t talking about a poster though. She was talking about my success. I was so close to a goal that for a while, seemed so impossible (especially while rolling pennies at a gas station).

And Erin kicked my ass all the way there.

There was a time when I thought my story wasn’t “tragic” enough to be told. So many of the other Freedom Writer stories are about being abused, addicted, suicidal…I thought the life saving wasn’t literal enough. But no, these teachers literally (Erin and Cheri in particular) saved my life and all by teaching me the value of the choices I made.

This is what happens when teachers are engaged with the education of their students. It happens when there’s enough flexibility that each teacher can shape their students with genuine interaction and experiential learning. And for teachers who need ridged rules and procedures, there’s flexibility enough for that too. Teachers save lives when they are engaged and they care.

It’s what Erin did and teaches other teachers to do in the Freedom Writer Teacher Institute. Together, Erin, the Freedom Writers and the Freedom Writers Foundation have developed a methodology that has changed lives around the country. The foundation and the Institute are rays of light in what often seems like a bleak educational landscape.

Which brings me to my final point: I’d like you make a donation to the Freedom Writers Foundation, in support of the cause I have dedicated so much of my life to: education. All I’m asking is a $5 donation toward programs that inspire teachers and provides them the tools to make a real difference in the lives of their students.

Did a teacher save your life? Share your story in the comments.

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Posted in My Life

Mar 03

It’s all connected

My first job out of college was with one of those early online publishers. I was skeptical at first when I was interviewed by this guy who for all of his professionalism was wearing jeans and had exposed tattoos. The interview was great and two days later I was offered the gig. I had never worked for a startup before and had been applying for PR gigs.

When I saw the ad for Know More Media, an online publisher of business news and information, I thought, hey…what the hell. I’ll either get it or not. I had never heard of this publisher but telecommuting sounded like a winner to me.

Everyone I told about the job was just as skeptical as I was. They’d raise their eyebrows and ask, “Online publisher?” At the time, the idea of a blog network that wasn’t a personal blog was still a new concept. And when my first paycheck was late, I had red flags all over the place. Turns out, the late paycheck was my fault because I had provided the wrong checking account information and being an editor at Know More Media became one of my favorite jobs ever.

The day I found out that the company was going under, was a very sad day indeed. But it left me with great professional experience and great friends. I still look back on my KMM days affectionately, have lunch with the guys from time to time and find ways to work with some of the authors who were also part of that great publishing experiment.

And this morning I was offered an opportunity to work with one of my former bosses; a semi-silent KMM partner who has always been very kind to me. I’m excited and encouraged by his confidence in my skills. I also know that this is one of many gigs that will launch my business.

I’ll forever be grateful for the experience and relationships that came out of my time at Know More Media. It prepared me for the rest of my career in the publishing industry as an editor and gatekeeper.

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Posted in Goal Setting, My Life, On The Job

Feb 23

My life is dramatically different

I was thinking…

I’ve done all this talk about change, going through the cycles of feeling super productive and then not at all; taking big bold steps one day and the next being paralyzed with fear.

What I haven’t done this year is really take inventory of how different my life is from last year at this time.

At the end of February and heading into March 2009 I was still new on my job. Still feeling that small-fish-in-a-new-corporate-pond-but-damn-this-job-ROCKS feeling. I was also looking for a new place to live, somewhere closer to work and with good schools.

I was just starting to realize that my awesome first publishing job out of college with Know More Mediahad spoiled me and I had a lot to learn about working at a “real” magazine.* There were office politics and there were signs that Entrepreneur was being affected by the economic environment.

I was making new friends and yet still felt isolated. Most of the people I had connected with during my time at KMM were internet people and things changed as they do, making it difficult to keep up with people in time zones all over the world without practically being on a 24 hour clock.

In April, I would pick up my life and move from my home of nine years to find a new semi-temporary dwelling behind the orange curtain. Where I sought a better neighborhood suburbs, less diversity and realized that I really loved Long Beach.

That move would be my first leap into truly being on my own, with family and friends being considerably farther away. I began to feel isolated because I was so far from everyone, but I knew that the fresh start was what I needed. I wasn’t sure where I was heading next, but I knew this new place was not for the long haul. But I hung things and got comfortable anyway.

I began thinking about my health and thinking it was time to become more responsible with my finances. I started shifting away from eating take-out on a regular basis to cooking almost every meal I eat.

So much changed last year. I mean my life looks dramatically different now than it did last year at this time.

My hope is that I’ll be able to say the same thing next year.

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Posted in Goal Setting, My Life, On The Job

Feb 21

On productivity and weekend relaxation

Today I decided not to be lazy. I got up early for breakfast, sent off a couple emails I had been procrastinating on, spent some time polishing an essay I’ve been working on and then headed off to do laundry.

It’s still early.

So now I’m going to allow myself time to relax in this space. Feeling good about getting things done but not pushed to get much more done. Hey, weekends are made for relaxation. Or at least that’s the way I like them to be.

I often find myself asking if it’ll stay like this even when my business is booming. Will I have time to spend most of the day farting around the house or will I have my nose to the grindstone, working, working, working?

Truth is be told, I’m kinda lazy and I like having my weekends. So I’m thinking once I go freelance full-time, I’ll be able to find full blocks of time to just lay on my sofa, drinking cocktails, cuddling my boy and watching TV.

For now, I think its best I get my ass in gear.

Laziness doesn’t build an empire.

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Posted in Goal Setting, My Life

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