Love is all there is

A while ago I posted a link on Facebook about Christian singer Jennifer Knapp returning to music and coming out. My only comment to start was that I thought the decision might raise some ire, then someone asked me for more specific thoughts, at which point I obliged.

It didn’t take long before a friend of mine, a former church mate and devout Christian, also commented. She started out with something to the effect that it’s dangerous to “think” because our thoughts are not God’s thoughts and we are supposed to be transformed through the renewing of our minds. She went on to talk about sin and salvation and how our love is not the same as God’s love and that the only thing that matters is what God’s word (the Bible) tells us is right. It was apparent in her tone that she believed she was correct and that by virtue of my disagreeing with her, I would suffer some punishment when all is said and done.

As a Christian, I used to find it hard to reconcile this idea that we are not supposed to think for ourselves and that we were to be dependent on a preacher to interpret the Bible. And while I’ve been in quite a few churches that tout the verse “study to show yourself approved,” in practice, the premise of most has been to condemn anyone who actually took this scripture to heart and interpreted the Bible any differently than the majority.

This is actually a large part of why I have chosen not attend a traditional Christian church. Some of my friends call it a “heathen hippie gathering”, I call it spiritual fellowship. People from different walks of life come together to be inspired by spiritual leaders willing to give the gift of their wisdom without judgment.

One thing I’ve been sort of thinking about was my friend’s statement that we will be held accountable for the information we share with others. Maybe this was my indoctrination tugging at me but I felt as though she accused me of turning my back on God. I know she meant it all in love, so I simply thanked her for the discussion, but decided it best not to engage any further.

It’s impossible to explain the concept of love–the ultimate law–to a person so focused on taking the bible literally, who believes that anyone who disagrees with suffer the wrath of God and the only way to see “heaven” (whatever your interpretation may be) is through Christian salvation. There are many ways to experience God and millions of people all over the world who don’t even understand our Americanized version of Christianity (case in point: my Irish boyfriend with whom I can’t even have a discussion about religion because his frame of reference is Catholics vs Protestants).

The only thing that makes sense to me (someone who grew up in the church, went two to three times a week until I was a teenager and then again as a young adult, who was indoctrinated and found a different path) is that when all is said and done, the only thing that matters is love. If there was nothing else we were to take from Jesus it was that love covers a multitude of sins and we were not to assume we know better and are better than anyone else. We are to treat people with love and through our demonstration of love, people will see the God within. In fact–we are taught–God is love.

So if God is love and God is all there is, then love is all there is.

Some people will never understand this concept, which is fine. I don’t need others to understand, but based on my understanding, I will always try to act in love. I will do my best to treat myself, my kids, my neighbors and strangers on the street with love, because that was the ultimate lesson in Christ’s sacrifice.

Love is all there is. Walking in this level of love has taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. It’s the kind of love that leaves everyone space to be themselves and the strength to truly forgive. Love leaves us to work on our own lives, faith, livelihood and development of gifts without worrying about what others are doing. Walking in love leaves us to be beacons of light in an often dark world.

The choice is easy and every time I will choose love. Because what else is there?

Tags: Christianity, Introspection, Love, Reflection, Spirituality

I’m not all that into Valentines anyway

The ex never believed me so even though money was always tight, he always at least got a flower, chocolates, a cheap stuffed animal holding a heart that said “Be Mine” or something. I love chocolates, the flowers and plush toys I can do without.

I don’t, however, need an excuse to go to an awesome brunch with the boy and some friends. Besides which, the boy has been bugging me for ages to go back. So we’re getting up early (but not to early) to beat the V-Day crowds and stuff our faces, have many mimosas–too much sugar for the kid–and appreciate the good company.

Here’s the thing…I may not be into it, but my boyfriend The Mad Carpenter is totally mushy and sentimental and would be terribly hurt if I didn’t at least post some sort of love tribute. Truthfully, if he were here, I’d be excited because he’d definitely have something romantic planned. And while I may not be big on flowers or plush toys, romantic gestures are always welcome.

If he were here, he’d join my friends, the boy and me on our Valentines brunch and the day would have a different glow about it. Alas, he’s not here, so its just a regular day.

But still, I can’t let it pass without giving him a shout-out.

David I love you. I wish you were here.

Tags: Brunch, Friendship, Love, The Mad Carpenter, Valentine's Day

Until We Meet Again…

I dropped him off att he airport yesterday. It was hard to drive away. The last two weeks I was on such a love high…The whole thing felt like a beautiful dream. Balloon rides, wine tasting, walking on the beach, sleeping in the same bed…

The next few days will be about distracting myself so I don’t slip into sadness over his departure. I want him to be here, but I also know that if we just let things develop as they develop, our relationship will be happy and healthy. I don’t want a fairytale, I just don’t want to rush anything. I’ve been there and done that. This feels so good and so right, I don’t mind taking my time.

Who knows…We might end up together for the long haul. So whats a little distance until we get things sorted out.

For now, I send my love to him through the ether.

I love you David. Thank you for making me believe again.

Tags: David In So Cal, Introspection, Love, Relationships

The Boy Misses His Mommy

I got a call from the boy’s teacher. We had actually been playing phone tag for a few days. It was parent teacher conference time and I was not available during the hours he wanted to meet. We planned to meet via phone but in the meantime he had something he was concerned about…

The boy was crying and acting out…”attention seeking” the teacher said.

“I’m doing my best to show him positive attention but I was wondering if anything was going on at home…?”

I knew right away what the deal was; the boy gave me a big fat hint not long before I got the call from teacher.

“He misses me,” I said resolutely. “I had been working from home for almost three years and now I work in an office.”

I replayed the last couple of months back in my head, trying to think if I had neglected spending time with the boy when I had it. No…we’d gone to our favorite breakfast spot twice last month, cuddled with each other on Saturday mornings, spent hours at our favorite coffee shop playing Mancala, I make him breakfast before school…There was only so much I could do without losing my own mommy time. And mommy is not happy when she doesn’t have her quiet time…

After taking inventory of mommy/boy quality time, I was confident that the issue was more that he was used to me always being around and now I wasn’t around nearly as much. I wasn’t see him off properly in the morning; not around to meet him at his classroom after school or to help him with his homework in the evenings (I expect it done by the time I get home)…He missed his mommy.

So I’ve been super affectionate and attentive the last week or so. I’m a little conflicted though, because I understand how the transition can be tough, but he’s not the first kid to have a working single mother. I’m torn between feeling his pain and thinking he should just get used to seeing me less.

Last Saturday, we went to breakfast and he tagged along while I ran errands in the morning. It was wonderful…just me and the boy. It made me miss the older boy a little because we used to do the same sort of thing on Saturdays before he moved across the country with his father.

sigh

We’ll all be together for Christmas and then I’ll soak up all the boy cuddles and affection I can stand. For now, I’ll have to be sensitive to the little dude’s discomfort with the change.

Change sometimes difficult after all…

Tags: Love, Transition, Work/Life Balance

Ah…Love

The last year or so has been a bummer romantically. Being newly single – after separating from my husband of 4 years, partner for 8 – the time came when I decided I was ready to go out and meet new people. For all of my trying, I never did recapture a real social life, or at least not in the way I thought I should. I’m still in my 20s so shouldn’t I be out having crazy fun every night? Bar hopping, clubbing and such?

Oh bah! To be honest, all of those things had lost their luster long ago when I was doing it before I was even legal drinking age. But the question remained, where does a girl meet a guy? Hell, isn’t there somewhere to go that doesn’t involve sitting in front of a computer, where I could meet new people?

Turns out that there is no simple answer. I hung out with my best friend at the local Irish pub, attended micro brew tappings, flew across the country for a Vinemeet, went to Seattle for one music festival and to San Francisco for another, and while it was all fun, there seemed to be no hope of a new love connection on the horizon for me.

And then one day I decided to take a risk and ask a guy I had been running in the same internet circle with for nearly three years, if we could connect outside of our public social networks. He was all for it and immediately we hit it off. We talked about everything and nothing; openly and honestly…intimately.

We spoke almost every night, so much so that over the next couple of weeks, he became the last person I spoke to before going to sleep…haunting my dreams. There was a familiar free falling, heart thumping feeling, but I kept trying to push it down until one day I finally admitted it to myself that I loved him…But how could I tell him? I mean, would it scare him? It scared me…

One night, I hinted around cryptically about feeling something I wasn’t ready to say yet and he knew exactly what I was talking about…

“What you’ve been thinking all day…is that you’re in love.”

Where does he get off being so cocky and knowing? Fucker…

But he was right. I was entirely smitten. Thinking about him all day, dreaming about him at night…Couldn’t get him out of my head. It took him a couple days to admit that he was feeling the same way, and then yesterday, I actually said the words, I love you.

And he loves me back!

Suffice it to say, I was floating on a euphoric love cloud for the rest of the day. I hope this feeling never goes away.

Tags: Love, Romance