Tagged: Introspection

Jun 15

Worry Edges Out Possibilities and Happiness

Don't worry, be happyMy sister often talks about how I am her example of how faith works. She’s seen me take risks and believe that the universe would return my willingness with abundant prosperity; and it has. For most of us, the problem isn’t that there aren’t opportunities and possibilities, its that we give into the fear and worry.

But there is one basic principal that got me on the path of shifting my perception away from lack and limitation to limitless possibilities.

I stopped worrying.

The concept is deceptively simple. I like to plan. I like to create structure around myself. I don’t like when things don’t go the way I plan them and I am still learning to be a good steward over my finances. But through all of life’s ups and downs, I’ve learned that worrying just gets in the way.

Ultimately the worry is fear. And fear doesn’t focus on possibilities. It puts the focus squarely on the problem and magnifies it so you feel helpless. The helplessness turns into stress and then you find yourself unable to rest or focus on anything other than whatever your current worry is. And some people worry all the time. That must be a stressful life.

I made a conscious decision not to worry and since then, when stressors come, I have learned to trust that everything will work itself out. It took years to get to this place where I can simply trust that things will work for the good. Yes, that’s right. I trust that things will work in my favor. After years of going through life’s peaks and valleys, I’ve learned that worry edges out the ability to see possibilities, and creates more stress.

And, really. Who needs that much stress in their lives? I sure don’t

Instead of worrying and focusing on the problem, when something comes up, I first evaluate what I can do about it. If there are actions I can take immediately to resolve the problem, I get to work. If there’s no immediate action that can be taken and I feel worry start to creep up, I remember that I have never gone hungry or been without shelter. In fact, my life has constantly improved and I have always been able to take care of my kids. I remind myself that through it all, I have come through a stronger, wiser and happier person.

Most of us spend our days worrying so much that we don’t even know we’re worried. But the key is to begin changing the way you think and shifting your perception away from the fear, to something more productive. Over time, when life knocks you over the head, you’ll be less compelled by that internal trigger that wants to focus all energies on “OMG OMG WHAT EVER WILL I DO?” Instead, you’ll be able to handle life’s stressors with a clear head, rather the being beholden to the negative what ifs.

Image via Evil Erin

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Posted in Goal Setting, My Life

Apr 27

Revelations from being unfocused and frustrated

Somehow I knew that I was going to have a hard time focusing when I went to yoga yesterday. I need to do laundry and I was wearing these shorts that are fine in the house, but otherwise make me feel really exposed. The class is heated anyway and it was either wear the shorts or skip yoga, and I really wanted to go. So I wore the shorts hoping for a spot on the back wall, where no one would be behind me.

Instead I ended up second row from the front, with two guys and a scent happy woman behind me. I was already feeling like I’d be flashing everyone when I got into downward dog, and then the instructor turned the lights up. I was uncomfortable, self-conscious, disconnected from my breath and just waiting for the class to be over.

I tried to fight through and find a focused place but ended up leaving about 10 minutes before the class ended, frustrated. With everything. Frustrated about the unfocused and ineffective yoga experience. Frustrated that things didn’t go according to plan. Frustrated about having to wait. Frustrated with my finances.

And what does all this frustration get me?

It doesn’t make the things go my way. Doesn’t make me stop wanting. Doesn’t help the focus. Doesn’t help me be happy.

I recalled previous yoga instructors reminding us to be focused and present on the mat and how that focus was always what made the yoga experience most effective and fun.

Its so natural for the mind to wonder off to some moment other than the one you’re experiencing right now. To get so focused on what’s next that you become frustrated and ineffective. But I have never found yoga as frustrating as when I struggled to connect with my breath and be present on the mat.

Such is the same with building a business, a relationship, and even with raising kids. The more present we are in each individual moment, the more those moments make you stronger and wiser. And each focused moment builds momentum to move you closer to your vision.

Image by Funkdooby

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Posted in Goal Setting, My Life

Mar 16

What Angela Davis taught me about the wisdom, wholeness and leadership

While catching up on my podcasts, I had a chance to listen to Tavis Smiley’s interview with Angela Davis. I immediately recalled my brief encounter with Ms Davis.

She was making a speech on the industrial prison complex at UC Riverside, and my step-father — who knew knew her in her fugitive days — took the opportunity to introduce me to a woman he considered a great advocate for human rights. At the reception after the speech, I was able to ask her a question about being mistreated by a teacher, a teacher I believed to be racist.

Even though the answer to the question altered my view of Davis for years to come, the answer itself was not important. I had this expectation — this idea of a great revolutionary leader — and that idea had been shattered. Not by any fault of Ms Davis’, of course, it was my own naivety and an incomplete picture of Angela Davis the woman. It wasn’t until I learned to understand that people are multifaceted and evolving beings that I was able to let go of my idea of who Davis was.

When listening to her conversation with Tavis Smiley, I also realized that she too had to come to terms with her own evolution. She talked about her early idea of feminism being something for middle class white women. Eventually, she said, she learned to reconcile the intersection of being a “black woman fighting for freedom” and being a feminist.

“Feminism is a methodology of analysis,” she said. And as such, Davis adds, it is available to everyone. There was this acknowledgement that if you’re really an activist for rights, you have to be accepting and inclusive of all human and civil rights. The movement had to be accepted in totality.

In this way, I was reminded of the ultimate lesson I learned from my experience meeting Davis, a lesson society seems to have forgotten. We are all human; complicated and flawed. Our idiosyncrasies and eccentricities are part of what makes us whole. I was reminded that in order to be whole, we must also let others be whole, even when that person is considered a leader. Quite often it is the wisdom that comes with this wholeness that makes for a great leader.

So today I honor Angela Davis and the wisdom that comes with being human, flawed, complicated and whole.

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Posted in leadership, Opinion

Oct 15

A tribute to my cousin, on his birthday

Today is my cousin’s birthday. He died a young man…too young. Survived by three children and a beautiful woman who has been raising those kids on her own since his death. It’s hard not to be sad when thinking about Jamar and his death. But instead of sadness, I want to pay tribute to the love we shared.

Jamar and I didn’t grow up together as you would expect cousins should. We spent a little time together as kids, but nothing I can really recall with clarity or regularity. But as I got older, I began feeling the need to connect and spend time with my cousins. So I called. And when I got a car, I would go visit at least once or twice a month; sometimes once or twice a week.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but these visits would lay the foundation for undoing the disengagement our parents had created. We enjoyed each other’s company and loved each other. We became friends and confidants. We became family.

Eventually he and his family moved to Los Vegas and we didn’t spend as much time together, but we never grew apart. Then, one day, I got a call. Jamar had over-dosed on drugs and had died.

So we dropped everything, and headed to Las Vegas to be together as a family, mourn his loss and celebrate his life.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had missed so much, that I hadn’t had enough time; that he was entirely too young. But I remembered the afternoons we had spent chatting and watching TV in his living room. The time I knocked over his beer and he joked “I beat my kids for less!” I realized that I was lucky. Despite the boundaries that had kept us apart as kids, we had developed a deep bond as adults.

Sometimes, when the program I created for his memorial falls out of my journal, I cry, wishing I had had more time. But all that matters is that he knew I loved him and that I knew he loved me. His loss brought the rest of us together. For all of these things, I am grateful.

So this is my tribute to my cousin Jamar. I really miss him.

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Posted in My Life, The Fam

Jul 11

Facing the Truth: Debt, Desperation and Deserving it All

I started this year with a grand vision. I’d get more active, start really focusing on building my freelance business and head off to grad school in the fall. The active part I have pretty well under control (mostly because I don’t have a car and I’ve been using a bike to get around). I’ve managed to drum up some freelance work, but I quickly realized that being full-time freelance by the end of the year was not going to happen. As for grad school, it was the first thing to come off the table as something to work toward this year.

You see, one of the most important steps in starting a business is to get real regarding your finances and ideally, ditching bad habits. Just as I started to pull back the veil to really examine the truth about my crumbling financial foundation, I realized I had to make some changes before I could begin launching any escapes.

Grad school would cost a hefty $100k (not including living expenses, child care, transportation, books…etc.) and I had no desire to dig myself deeper into debt. Unfortunately, I had ignored certain debts too long and was soon confronted with them in most unpleasant ways: car repossession and the threat of wage garnishment if I didn’t start paying my student loan.

I was embarrassed; both creditors had found me at work. The student loan people called my direct extension, but it was a coworker who alerted me that my car was being towed; I had to bring all the crap from my car to my desk. Talk about a wake-up call. If you know anything about Southern California, you know it is not a good place to be without a car. But now I see having a car as luxury, one I cannot currently afford.

So I bought a bike and a bus pass. I’ve also not missed a payment on my student loan since that fateful call.

The next step was to look at what other expenses I could scale back. I had this apartment that I was happy for at the time–escaping from recent outbreaks of violence in my long-time subsidized housing–but now it was starting to look over-priced. I was starting to see graffiti at the edges of the neighborhood and neither the boy nor I cared for the school he was attending. I felt isolated from my friends and family, most of whom lived 30 minutes to an hour away. I was struggling to make ends meet and really starting to feel the pressure.

I had two choices: Get a roommate or find a smaller apartment.

I waffled back and forth (very briefly) before deciding to take the plunge into finding new digs. Sure, I could save more money by getting a roommate, but I’d also be giving up my privacy and inviting a stranger to live with me and my child. I just wasn’t comfortable with that. If I moved, I could go to a city I liked and get closer to my family, while being able to maintain the privacy I valued so much.

So I made a list, a vision–if you will–of all the things I required of my new abode. I wanted a place walking or biking distance from the beach, with a private balcony or patio, a bedroom (not one of those Jr. 1 bedrooms that don’t have a separate sleeping space) and I wanted to save $200-300 a month. I gave my 30 day notice–effectively burning my ship–and started booking appointments and submitting applications. Again though, I was confronted with my poor financial history. While I had a good income and had never been evicted or filed bankruptcy, with so many things in collections, I looked like a risky proposition for a tenant and I was rejected several times.

Mentally, I began making compromises. Maybe I didn’t need a patio and maybe I didn’t need a bedroom. Maybe I should look at this piece of shit apartment over here because it’s been on the market for so long and they might be willing to negotiate. Maybe I can’t afford to live close to the beach. Maybe I’m not worthy of what I desire.

When I was declined just as my 30 days ran out, I started to doubt even more. Maybe I’d made a huge mistake. I should have waited to give my notice. What if no one is willing to give me a chance?

I felt weary but it was in this darkest moment I made up my mind that the doubt was a lie. I would have was I was looking for. It was out there for me, I just hadn’t found the one yet. It would come and it would be on time. I got an extension on my moving date and resumed my search with a strange feeling of calm.

I was more determined than ever, but somewhere along the way, I ditched my desperation flag.

You know the one flapping around going, “Hey I’m in need! I need and I need. Please help me because I NEED.”

Would you take a chance on someone so needy? Most people won’t. Not when it comes to their money.

It was really do-or-die time, but I had decided not to worry about whether or not things would work out. With every application I submitted, I let it go. I could not control the property owners, nor could I control the outcome of the applying. If it was meant to be mine, they would say yes and until someone said yes, I knew that the right place was waiting for me.

Then a rental agent I had been working with called me. He had submitted an application for a condo we saw a few weeks prior and I was approved. All I needed to do was go sign the lease, take in my deposit and move in when I was ready.

So, in two weeks [UPDATE: I moved in almost two weeks ago an I love it! More details on the new crib in a later post], I’ll be sitting on my lovely patio, at my new beach condo, saving money on rent every month and biking to the beach on Saturdays with my boys.

And I didn’t have to make any compromises.

True enough, my finances are a mess. It’s also true that I will prosper as my soul prospers. The lie is that I don’t deserve any of the things I’m seeking: financial, physical and spiritual health. The truth is that I deserve it all. We all do.

Originally published at the Live Your Truth blog.

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Posted in Goal Setting, My Life

Apr 26

Love is all there is

A while ago I posted a link on Facebook about Christian singer Jennifer Knapp returning to music and coming out. My only comment to start was that I thought the decision might raise some ire, then someone asked me for more specific thoughts, at which point I obliged.

It didn’t take long before a friend of mine, a former church mate and devout Christian, also commented. She started out with something to the effect that it’s dangerous to “think” because our thoughts are not God’s thoughts and we are supposed to be transformed through the renewing of our minds. She went on to talk about sin and salvation and how our love is not the same as God’s love and that the only thing that matters is what God’s word (the Bible) tells us is right. It was apparent in her tone that she believed she was correct and that by virtue of my disagreeing with her, I would suffer some punishment when all is said and done.

As a Christian, I used to find it hard to reconcile this idea that we are not supposed to think for ourselves and that we were to be dependent on a preacher to interpret the Bible. And while I’ve been in quite a few churches that tout the verse “study to show yourself approved,” in practice, the premise of most has been to condemn anyone who actually took this scripture to heart and interpreted the Bible any differently than the majority.

This is actually a large part of why I have chosen not attend a traditional Christian church. Some of my friends call it a “heathen hippie gathering”, I call it spiritual fellowship. People from different walks of life come together to be inspired by spiritual leaders willing to give the gift of their wisdom without judgment.

One thing I’ve been sort of thinking about was my friend’s statement that we will be held accountable for the information we share with others. Maybe this was my indoctrination tugging at me but I felt as though she accused me of turning my back on God. I know she meant it all in love, so I simply thanked her for the discussion, but decided it best not to engage any further.

It’s impossible to explain the concept of love–the ultimate law–to a person so focused on taking the bible literally, who believes that anyone who disagrees with suffer the wrath of God and the only way to see “heaven” (whatever your interpretation may be) is through Christian salvation. There are many ways to experience God and millions of people all over the world who don’t even understand our Americanized version of Christianity (case in point: my Irish boyfriend with whom I can’t even have a discussion about religion because his frame of reference is Catholics vs Protestants).

The only thing that makes sense to me (someone who grew up in the church, went two to three times a week until I was a teenager and then again as a young adult, who was indoctrinated and found a different path) is that when all is said and done, the only thing that matters is love. If there was nothing else we were to take from Jesus it was that love covers a multitude of sins and we were not to assume we know better and are better than anyone else. We are to treat people with love and through our demonstration of love, people will see the God within. In fact–we are taught–God is love.

So if God is love and God is all there is, then love is all there is.

Some people will never understand this concept, which is fine. I don’t need others to understand, but based on my understanding, I will always try to act in love. I will do my best to treat myself, my kids, my neighbors and strangers on the street with love, because that was the ultimate lesson in Christ’s sacrifice.

Love is all there is. Walking in this level of love has taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. It’s the kind of love that leaves everyone space to be themselves and the strength to truly forgive. Love leaves us to work on our own lives, faith, livelihood and development of gifts without worrying about what others are doing. Walking in love leaves us to be beacons of light in an often dark world.

The choice is easy and every time I will choose love. Because what else is there?

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Posted in Love, Opinion

Apr 21

Teachers save lives, these are the ones who saved mine

Yesterday I wrote about bullying and raising confident kids and this morning I got an email from the Freedom Writers Foundation: “Teachers Save Lives.”

In another lifetime I might have rolled my eyes but I can honestly say that there are a couple of teachers who saved my life. There was Mr. Christianson, a substitute teacher I had in the 5th grade who made math fun. I was struggling and most of the year I got Ds on the math tests. Mr. Christianson helped me get a B. And it was the best B I ever earned.

There was Mrs. Levine, the edgy 7th grade English teacher who introduced me to Daniel Steel. She had a book rack next to her desk and we were to always have a book “checked out”–a book of Mrs. Levine’s choosing. She’s sit with her feet kicked up on the desk, spin the book rack slowly and study the books pensively. You knew she’s made a choice when she stopped spinning and took her feet off of the desk and pull the book from the rack.

“This is a little edgy,” she said. “There are adult themes.” She held to book out and then took it back again. “I think you can handle it.”

She handed me the book and shooed me away. When I read the first sex scene (probably not far into the book) I was a little surprised. The choice of Daniel Steel was perfect because the language was simple, but it was more mature than Baby-Sitters Club (which I’m pretty sure I read every book in the series AND Baby-Sitters Club Baby Sisters). It was time for more mature content. I moved on from Daniel Steel pretty quickly but Steel was definitely a gateway to mystery, romance and fantasy books.

There was Cheri Swatek, my high school swimming coach. I was ditching classes and skipping practice and she gave me a choice. I could either keep ditching and skipping or I could be on the swim team. I couldn’t do both. I had to commit. Swimming was about the only thing I really cared about at that time, so I chose swimming. Of course that also meant not ditching (or ditching less…what? Just sayin’) and not missing a single practice. I also had to maintain at least a C average and I could do that in my sleep (a lot of the time I did).

I wanted to swim, I chose to stay engaged in school. That’s what Cheri gave me.

Erin Gruwell, the ultimate mentor and founder of the Freedom Writer’s Foundation, also saved my life. I laugh now, thinking about it because I was in denial about it for a while. Maybe it’s because I feel like my biggest change took place later than others, I don’t know. I know that Erin taught me what Do or Die meant. She taught me to take leaps of faith and know that I could make myself, through my choices. I had only to choose my path and then walk it; against all odds. And when it seemed like my dream of being the first in my family to graduate from college was slipping away, Erin gave me a lifeline.

That lifeline was the Freedom Writer’s Diary (which I co-authored and edited) and a full scholarship (tuition, books, bus passes, learning disability assessment, counseling, tutoring) to Cal State Long Beach (GO BEACH). College was the most amazing start to the rest of my life, one of the best gifts I’ve ever received and one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I remember riding in Erin’s car one day and she said to me, “Kimberlee, you are going to become the poster child for the successful-person-post-teen-aged pregnancy.” At the time, I laughed it off because it made me uncomfortable and my brain painted a literal picture (with my face on a poster). She wasn’t talking about a poster though. She was talking about my success. I was so close to a goal that for a while, seemed so impossible (especially while rolling pennies at a gas station).

And Erin kicked my ass all the way there.

There was a time when I thought my story wasn’t “tragic” enough to be told. So many of the other Freedom Writer stories are about being abused, addicted, suicidal…I thought the life saving wasn’t literal enough. But no, these teachers literally (Erin and Cheri in particular) saved my life and all by teaching me the value of the choices I made.

This is what happens when teachers are engaged with the education of their students. It happens when there’s enough flexibility that each teacher can shape their students with genuine interaction and experiential learning. And for teachers who need ridged rules and procedures, there’s flexibility enough for that too. Teachers save lives when they are engaged and they care.

It’s what Erin did and teaches other teachers to do in the Freedom Writer Teacher Institute. Together, Erin, the Freedom Writers and the Freedom Writers Foundation have developed a methodology that has changed lives around the country. The foundation and the Institute are rays of light in what often seems like a bleak educational landscape.

Which brings me to my final point: I’d like you make a donation to the Freedom Writers Foundation, in support of the cause I have dedicated so much of my life to: education. All I’m asking is a $5 donation toward programs that inspire teachers and provides them the tools to make a real difference in the lives of their students.

Did a teacher save your life? Share your story in the comments.

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Posted in My Life

Feb 23

My life is dramatically different

I was thinking…

I’ve done all this talk about change, going through the cycles of feeling super productive and then not at all; taking big bold steps one day and the next being paralyzed with fear.

What I haven’t done this year is really take inventory of how different my life is from last year at this time.

At the end of February and heading into March 2009 I was still new on my job. Still feeling that small-fish-in-a-new-corporate-pond-but-damn-this-job-ROCKS feeling. I was also looking for a new place to live, somewhere closer to work and with good schools.

I was just starting to realize that my awesome first publishing job out of college with Know More Mediahad spoiled me and I had a lot to learn about working at a “real” magazine.* There were office politics and there were signs that Entrepreneur was being affected by the economic environment.

I was making new friends and yet still felt isolated. Most of the people I had connected with during my time at KMM were internet people and things changed as they do, making it difficult to keep up with people in time zones all over the world without practically being on a 24 hour clock.

In April, I would pick up my life and move from my home of nine years to find a new semi-temporary dwelling behind the orange curtain. Where I sought a better neighborhood suburbs, less diversity and realized that I really loved Long Beach.

That move would be my first leap into truly being on my own, with family and friends being considerably farther away. I began to feel isolated because I was so far from everyone, but I knew that the fresh start was what I needed. I wasn’t sure where I was heading next, but I knew this new place was not for the long haul. But I hung things and got comfortable anyway.

I began thinking about my health and thinking it was time to become more responsible with my finances. I started shifting away from eating take-out on a regular basis to cooking almost every meal I eat.

So much changed last year. I mean my life looks dramatically different now than it did last year at this time.

My hope is that I’ll be able to say the same thing next year.

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Posted in Goal Setting, My Life, On The Job

Jan 16

Check Me Out at Escaping Mediocrity! (Change Your Mind, Change Your Game)

Welcome Escaping Mediocrity readers!

It’s day 6 of 30 Days to Changing Your Game! Pop over to Escaping Mediocrity for my guest post: Change Your Mind, Change Your Game!

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Posted in Goal Setting, My Life

Jan 05

Clarity Revisited

Tonight was the night to catch up with a close friend and discuss our visions for the year. Last year at this time I was really into this idea of clarity. I was on fire. The only problem is that my vision was unclear. I was grasping for clarity, and that clarity only came recently.

And I just realized it tonight.

It was easy for me to outline my goals. Not just goals for this year, but sort of a vision for what I see in the next two or three years. I grabbed a piece of paper and actually saw a plan.

It was a proud accomplishment after the stark realization that my long term goals had become short term goals and then I had accomplished what I had set out to do. It’s scary to be a goal driven person and suddenly realize that you have no goal.

So I had to come up with some goals.

Not because I needed to be doing something but because while I had accomplished my goals, my vision for my life wasn’t actualized. I knew there was more work to do.

I started asking myself: what’s next?

And tonight, I had clarity. About my health, educational, career and creative future. I wrote it down and made it plain. I made the goals measurable and attainable. I even gave myself deadlines for things needing deadlines.

A year ago this was a slog but tonight it was a breeze.

Maybe it was time for me to be clear about my goals this year.

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Posted in My Life

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