Facing the Truth: Debt, Desperation and Deserving it All

I started this year with a grand vision. I’d get more active, start really focusing on building my freelance business and head off to grad school in the fall. The active part I have pretty well under control (mostly because I don’t have a car and I’ve been using a bike to get around). I’ve managed to drum up some freelance work, but I quickly realized that being full-time freelance by the end of the year was not going to happen. As for grad school, it was the first thing to come off the table as something to work toward this year.

You see, one of the most important steps in starting a business is to get real regarding your finances and ideally, ditching bad habits. Just as I started to pull back the veil to really examine the truth about my crumbling financial foundation, I realized I had to make some changes before I could begin launching any escapes.

Grad school would cost a hefty $100k (not including living expenses, child care, transportation, books…etc.) and I had no desire to dig myself deeper into debt. Unfortunately, I had ignored certain debts too long and was soon confronted with them in most unpleasant ways: car repossession and the threat of wage garnishment if I didn’t start paying my student loan.

I was embarrassed; both creditors had found me at work. The student loan people called my direct extension, but it was a coworker who alerted me that my car was being towed; I had to bring all the crap from my car to my desk. Talk about a wake-up call. If you know anything about Southern California, you know it is not a good place to be without a car. But now I see having a car as luxury, one I cannot currently afford.

So I bought a bike and a bus pass. I’ve also not missed a payment on my student loan since that fateful call.

The next step was to look at what other expenses I could scale back. I had this apartment that I was happy for at the time–escaping from recent outbreaks of violence in my long-time subsidized housing–but now it was starting to look over-priced. I was starting to see graffiti at the edges of the neighborhood and neither the boy nor I cared for the school he was attending. I felt isolated from my friends and family, most of whom lived 30 minutes to an hour away. I was struggling to make ends meet and really starting to feel the pressure.

I had two choices: Get a roommate or find a smaller apartment.

I waffled back and forth (very briefly) before deciding to take the plunge into finding new digs. Sure, I could save more money by getting a roommate, but I’d also be giving up my privacy and inviting a stranger to live with me and my child. I just wasn’t comfortable with that. If I moved, I could go to a city I liked and get closer to my family, while being able to maintain the privacy I valued so much.

So I made a list, a vision–if you will–of all the things I required of my new abode. I wanted a place walking or biking distance from the beach, with a private balcony or patio, a bedroom (not one of those Jr. 1 bedrooms that don’t have a separate sleeping space) and I wanted to save $200-300 a month. I gave my 30 day notice–effectively burning my ship–and started booking appointments and submitting applications. Again though, I was confronted with my poor financial history. While I had a good income and had never been evicted or filed bankruptcy, with so many things in collections, I looked like a risky proposition for a tenant and I was rejected several times.

Mentally, I began making compromises. Maybe I didn’t need a patio and maybe I didn’t need a bedroom. Maybe I should look at this piece of shit apartment over here because it’s been on the market for so long and they might be willing to negotiate. Maybe I can’t afford to live close to the beach. Maybe I’m not worthy of what I desire.

When I was declined just as my 30 days ran out, I started to doubt even more. Maybe I’d made a huge mistake. I should have waited to give my notice. What if no one is willing to give me a chance?

I felt weary but it was in this darkest moment I made up my mind that the doubt was a lie. I would have was I was looking for. It was out there for me, I just hadn’t found the one yet. It would come and it would be on time. I got an extension on my moving date and resumed my search with a strange feeling of calm.

I was more determined than ever, but somewhere along the way, I ditched my desperation flag.

You know the one flapping around going, “Hey I’m in need! I need and I need. Please help me because I NEED.”

Would you take a chance on someone so needy? Most people won’t. Not when it comes to their money.

It was really do-or-die time, but I had decided not to worry about whether or not things would work out. With every application I submitted, I let it go. I could not control the property owners, nor could I control the outcome of the applying. If it was meant to be mine, they would say yes and until someone said yes, I knew that the right place was waiting for me.

Then a rental agent I had been working with called me. He had submitted an application for a condo we saw a few weeks prior and I was approved. All I needed to do was go sign the lease, take in my deposit and move in when I was ready.

So, in two weeks [UPDATE: I moved in almost two weeks ago an I love it! More details on the new crib in a later post], I’ll be sitting on my lovely patio, at my new beach condo, saving money on rent every month and biking to the beach on Saturdays with my boys.

And I didn’t have to make any compromises.

True enough, my finances are a mess. It’s also true that I will prosper as my soul prospers. The lie is that I don’t deserve any of the things I’m seeking: financial, physical and spiritual health. The truth is that I deserve it all. We all do.

Originally published at the Live Your Truth blog.

Tags: Financial Messiness, Getting Things Done, Inspiration, Introspection, Life Happens, Money Problems, Personal Finance, Triumph

Love is all there is

A while ago I posted a link on Facebook about Christian singer Jennifer Knapp returning to music and coming out. My only comment to start was that I thought the decision might raise some ire, then someone asked me for more specific thoughts, at which point I obliged.

It didn’t take long before a friend of mine, a former church mate and devout Christian, also commented. She started out with something to the effect that it’s dangerous to “think” because our thoughts are not God’s thoughts and we are supposed to be transformed through the renewing of our minds. She went on to talk about sin and salvation and how our love is not the same as God’s love and that the only thing that matters is what God’s word (the Bible) tells us is right. It was apparent in her tone that she believed she was correct and that by virtue of my disagreeing with her, I would suffer some punishment when all is said and done.

As a Christian, I used to find it hard to reconcile this idea that we are not supposed to think for ourselves and that we were to be dependent on a preacher to interpret the Bible. And while I’ve been in quite a few churches that tout the verse “study to show yourself approved,” in practice, the premise of most has been to condemn anyone who actually took this scripture to heart and interpreted the Bible any differently than the majority.

This is actually a large part of why I have chosen not attend a traditional Christian church. Some of my friends call it a “heathen hippie gathering”, I call it spiritual fellowship. People from different walks of life come together to be inspired by spiritual leaders willing to give the gift of their wisdom without judgment.

One thing I’ve been sort of thinking about was my friend’s statement that we will be held accountable for the information we share with others. Maybe this was my indoctrination tugging at me but I felt as though she accused me of turning my back on God. I know she meant it all in love, so I simply thanked her for the discussion, but decided it best not to engage any further.

It’s impossible to explain the concept of love–the ultimate law–to a person so focused on taking the bible literally, who believes that anyone who disagrees with suffer the wrath of God and the only way to see “heaven” (whatever your interpretation may be) is through Christian salvation. There are many ways to experience God and millions of people all over the world who don’t even understand our Americanized version of Christianity (case in point: my Irish boyfriend with whom I can’t even have a discussion about religion because his frame of reference is Catholics vs Protestants).

The only thing that makes sense to me (someone who grew up in the church, went two to three times a week until I was a teenager and then again as a young adult, who was indoctrinated and found a different path) is that when all is said and done, the only thing that matters is love. If there was nothing else we were to take from Jesus it was that love covers a multitude of sins and we were not to assume we know better and are better than anyone else. We are to treat people with love and through our demonstration of love, people will see the God within. In fact–we are taught–God is love.

So if God is love and God is all there is, then love is all there is.

Some people will never understand this concept, which is fine. I don’t need others to understand, but based on my understanding, I will always try to act in love. I will do my best to treat myself, my kids, my neighbors and strangers on the street with love, because that was the ultimate lesson in Christ’s sacrifice.

Love is all there is. Walking in this level of love has taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. It’s the kind of love that leaves everyone space to be themselves and the strength to truly forgive. Love leaves us to work on our own lives, faith, livelihood and development of gifts without worrying about what others are doing. Walking in love leaves us to be beacons of light in an often dark world.

The choice is easy and every time I will choose love. Because what else is there?

Tags: Christianity, Introspection, Love, Reflection, Spirituality

Teachers save lives, these are the ones who saved mine

Yesterday I wrote about bullying and raising confident kids and this morning I got an email from the Freedom Writers Foundation: “Teachers Save Lives.”

In another lifetime I might have rolled my eyes but I can honestly say that there are a couple of teachers who saved my life. There was Mr. Christianson, a substitute teacher I had in the 5th grade who made math fun. I was struggling and most of the year I got Ds on the math tests. Mr. Christianson helped me get a B. And it was the best B I ever earned.

There was Mrs. Levine, the edgy 7th grade English teacher who introduced me to Daniel Steel. She had a book rack next to her desk and we were to always have a book “checked out”–a book of Mrs. Levine’s choosing. She’s sit with her feet kicked up on the desk, spin the book rack slowly and study the books pensively. You knew she’s made a choice when she stopped spinning and took her feet off of the desk and pull the book from the rack.

“This is a little edgy,” she said. “There are adult themes.” She held to book out and then took it back again. “I think you can handle it.”

She handed me the book and shooed me away. When I read the first sex scene (probably not far into the book) I was a little surprised. The choice of Daniel Steel was perfect because the language was simple, but it was more mature than Baby-Sitters Club (which I’m pretty sure I read every book in the series AND Baby-Sitters Club Baby Sisters). It was time for more mature content. I moved on from Daniel Steel pretty quickly but Steel was definitely a gateway to mystery, romance and fantasy books.

There was Cheri Swatek, my high school swimming coach. I was ditching classes and skipping practice and she gave me a choice. I could either keep ditching and skipping or I could be on the swim team. I couldn’t do both. I had to commit. Swimming was about the only thing I really cared about at that time, so I chose swimming. Of course that also meant not ditching (or ditching less…what? Just sayin’) and not missing a single practice. I also had to maintain at least a C average and I could do that in my sleep (a lot of the time I did).

I wanted to swim, I chose to stay engaged in school. That’s what Cheri gave me.

Erin Gruwell, the ultimate mentor and founder of the Freedom Writer’s Foundation, also saved my life. I laugh now, thinking about it because I was in denial about it for a while. Maybe it’s because I feel like my biggest change took place later than others, I don’t know. I know that Erin taught me what Do or Die meant. She taught me to take leaps of faith and know that I could make myself, through my choices. I had only to choose my path and then walk it; against all odds. And when it seemed like my dream of being the first in my family to graduate from college was slipping away, Erin gave me a lifeline.

That lifeline was the Freedom Writer’s Diary (which I co-authored and edited) and a full scholarship (tuition, books, bus passes, learning disability assessment, counseling, tutoring) to Cal State Long Beach (GO BEACH). College was the most amazing start to the rest of my life, one of the best gifts I’ve ever received and one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I remember riding in Erin’s car one day and she said to me, “Kimberlee, you are going to become the poster child for the successful-person-post-teen-aged pregnancy.” At the time, I laughed it off because it made me uncomfortable and my brain painted a literal picture (with my face on a poster). She wasn’t talking about a poster though. She was talking about my success. I was so close to a goal that for a while, seemed so impossible (especially while rolling pennies at a gas station).

And Erin kicked my ass all the way there.

There was a time when I thought my story wasn’t “tragic” enough to be told. So many of the other Freedom Writer stories are about being abused, addicted, suicidal…I thought the life saving wasn’t literal enough. But no, these teachers literally (Erin and Cheri in particular) saved my life and all by teaching me the value of the choices I made.

This is what happens when teachers are engaged with the education of their students. It happens when there’s enough flexibility that each teacher can shape their students with genuine interaction and experiential learning. And for teachers who need ridged rules and procedures, there’s flexibility enough for that too. Teachers save lives when they are engaged and they care.

It’s what Erin did and teaches other teachers to do in the Freedom Writer Teacher Institute. Together, Erin, the Freedom Writers and the Freedom Writers Foundation have developed a methodology that has changed lives around the country. The foundation and the Institute are rays of light in what often seems like a bleak educational landscape.

Which brings me to my final point: I’d like you make a donation to the Freedom Writers Foundation, in support of the cause I have dedicated so much of my life to: education. All I’m asking is a $5 donation toward programs that inspire teachers and provides them the tools to make a real difference in the lives of their students.

Did a teacher save your life? Share your story in the comments.

Tags: Education, Introspection, Reflections, teachers

My life is dramatically different

I was thinking…

I’ve done all this talk about change, going through the cycles of feeling super productive and then not at all; taking big bold steps one day and the next being paralyzed with fear.

What I haven’t done this year is really take inventory of how different my life is from last year at this time.

At the end of February and heading into March 2009 I was still new on my job. Still feeling that small-fish-in-a-new-corporate-pond-but-damn-this-job-ROCKS feeling. I was also looking for a new place to live, somewhere closer to work and with good schools.

I was just starting to realize that my awesome first publishing job out of college with Know More Mediahad spoiled me and I had a lot to learn about working at a “real” magazine.* There were office politics and there were signs that Entrepreneur was being affected by the economic environment.

I was making new friends and yet still felt isolated. Most of the people I had connected with during my time at KMM were internet people and things changed as they do, making it difficult to keep up with people in time zones all over the world without practically being on a 24 hour clock.

In April, I would pick up my life and move from my home of nine years to find a new semi-temporary dwelling behind the orange curtain. Where I sought a better neighborhood suburbs, less diversity and realized that I really loved Long Beach.

That move would be my first leap into truly being on my own, with family and friends being considerably farther away. I began to feel isolated because I was so far from everyone, but I knew that the fresh start was what I needed. I wasn’t sure where I was heading next, but I knew this new place was not for the long haul. But I hung things and got comfortable anyway.

I began thinking about my health and thinking it was time to become more responsible with my finances. I started shifting away from eating take-out on a regular basis to cooking almost every meal I eat.

So much changed last year. I mean my life looks dramatically different now than it did last year at this time.

My hope is that I’ll be able to say the same thing next year.

Tags: Change, Goals, Introspection, Reflections

Check Me Out at Escaping Mediocrity! (Change Your Mind, Change Your Game)

Welcome Escaping Mediocrity readers!

It’s day 6 of 30 Days to Changing Your Game! Pop over to Escaping Mediocrity for my guest post: Change Your Mind, Change Your Game!

Tags: 30 Days, Changing the Game, Goal Setting, Introspection, Spirituality

Clarity Revisited

Tonight was the night to catch up with a close friend and discuss our visions for the year. Last year at this time I was really into this idea of clarity. I was on fire. The only problem is that my vision was unclear. I was grasping for clarity, and that clarity only came recently.

And I just realized it tonight.

It was easy for me to outline my goals. Not just goals for this year, but sort of a vision for what I see in the next two or three years. I grabbed a piece of paper and actually saw a plan.

It was a proud accomplishment after the stark realization that my long term goals had become short term goals and then I had accomplished what I had set out to do. It’s scary to be a goal driven person and suddenly realize that you have no goal.

So I had to come up with some goals.

Not because I needed to be doing something but because while I had accomplished my goals, my vision for my life wasn’t actualized. I knew there was more work to do.

I started asking myself: what’s next?

And tonight, I had clarity. About my health, educational, career and creative future. I wrote it down and made it plain. I made the goals measurable and attainable. I even gave myself deadlines for things needing deadlines.

A year ago this was a slog but tonight it was a breeze.

Maybe it was time for me to be clear about my goals this year.

Tags: Balance, Introspection, Spirituality

Thinking About Changing the Game

When I started this blog I had visions of grandeur and a plan to post something ever day. That quickly went away, but I had set myself up for failure by not starting at the beginning of the year as scheduled. This time I want to be ahead of myself and set a goal to write something for this blog every day.

Yep, I’m planning to blog the 365 days of 2010. I’m setting this goal in part, because it’ll force me to write something unrelated to work at least once a day. The other part is because I want to push myself to write more and to prepare myself for other goals I have for the year.

Another thing that got me thinking was this concept of changing the game. See, Sarah Robinson (Escaping Mediocrity) asked me to contribute an article to a project she’s working on, a project about changing the game. It got me to thinking about everything I’ve learned this year and how every mistake is a hint that its time to change your game.

This year was full of changes for me and things in my world look very different from how they looked last year. I accomplished many of the things I had planned, but still, on others, I floundered. I learned that I can sometimes be very self-righteous and petulant. For all of my interpersonal skills, I sure do know how to put my foot (or digital footprint, as it were) in my mouth. I was also reminded that others do not usually see me with the same eyes through which I see myself.

It wasn’t until I decided to look within that I saw the solution staring me right in the face. It was time for me to change my game and change my own perspective. So I made up my mind that I was going to be happy and productive and be a positive ray of light, no matter how tough things got. With this in practice for all of a week–maybe two–I have already felt begun to feel more calm and contented.

I’ve also decided that I need to be more diligent in working my program and work toward some of my longer term goals. To wit, I declare that starting January 1, 2010, I will write for this blog at least once a day, for 365 days of the year.

I hope you’re in the ride. I imagine it could get interesting around here.

Tags: Changing the Game, Goal Setting, Introspection, Work/Life Balance

Sometimes

Sometimes the world is all rainbows and sunshine.
Sometimes its dark and oppressive.
Sometimes we see others through our own lens.
Sometimes our perception dictates how that lens is focused.
Sometimes happiness is about learning to let some things go.
Sometimes letting go isn’t the easiest thing to do.
Sometimes we’re doing the best we can with what we have.
Sometimes you just need a break.
Sometimes you are the only person in your way.
Sometimes you just have to let things flow.
Sometimes things are not what they seem.

Tags: Introspection, Poetry

Until We Meet Again…

I dropped him off att he airport yesterday. It was hard to drive away. The last two weeks I was on such a love high…The whole thing felt like a beautiful dream. Balloon rides, wine tasting, walking on the beach, sleeping in the same bed…

The next few days will be about distracting myself so I don’t slip into sadness over his departure. I want him to be here, but I also know that if we just let things develop as they develop, our relationship will be happy and healthy. I don’t want a fairytale, I just don’t want to rush anything. I’ve been there and done that. This feels so good and so right, I don’t mind taking my time.

Who knows…We might end up together for the long haul. So whats a little distance until we get things sorted out.

For now, I send my love to him through the ether.

I love you David. Thank you for making me believe again.

Tags: David In So Cal, Introspection, Love, Relationships

Reflections The Night Before Moving Day

I’m tired. I’ve spent the last five days sorting through nearly a decade of my life and now I’m just tired. Emotionally, drained and simulteneously liberated. Excited and anxious…

I guess I should slow down a little…

For a while now, I’ve been on the hunt for a new place to live. There were several instances of premature excitement followed by subsequent disappointment, but this time its real. I found a flat closer to work, in a quiet little neighborhood in the OC (rolls eyes), with good schools, a fireplace, walk through closet, brand new carpet, paint, counters…everything. Its perfect.

But moving means having to pack; having to go through all the stuff I’ve accumulated for the eight years I’ve been in my current apartment. It’s a sort of deciding what baggage to take with me and what to leave behind. To be honest, I wanted to leave behind as much as possible because with all this transition, there must be something truly wonderful on the horizon. If I take too much baggage with me, I won’t have room.

So the clutter has been cleared and everything pretty much ready to be hauled away. Tomorrow begins a new adventure, a new chapter of my life, if you will. A step further closer to the manifestation of my developing prosperity consciousness. It is indeed a beautiful thing to understand what the bible means when it says, “I wish you would be in good health and prosper as your soul prospers.”

And that is exactly how I feel. As though I am prospering as my soul prospers. There was a time when my phone number changed every few months. Today I have the same cell phone number I have had for just over four years. I have been saving and paying down dept…becoming financially responsible and I am starting to see the rewards of such stewardship.

Tomorrow I move. It is as literal as it is symbolic; a fresh start, a new beginning. I’m a mash of emotions, but one this is certain: I’m going to be sleeping in my new room tomorrow. And what a beautiful sleep it will be.

Tags: Introspection, Moving, Spirituality