Tagged: Free-Range

Jun 01

And So Summer Begins…

With the surprise arrival of the elder boy and a house full of kids this afternoon (my own plus several neighbor kids), I realized that summer vacation is upon me. And I’m so not ready for this.

How am I to get any work done with a bunch of kids in the house, playing music videos, video games and talking loudly? I sent them to the park, that’s how.

The awesome thing is that the neighbor-kid parents are starting to loosen up, and today, the kids went off to the park in a group of four!

What a change from last week, when I thought one of my neighbors was a free-range hater who called the police. I’ve since decided that probably wasn’t the case and that the police visit was a hang over from the first run in. I’ve also realized how important it is to encourage other parents to let the kids go off to the park as a group, so the boy isn’t on his own traveling between the park and home. Not only are they all safer that way, they get to play together and they’re less likely to be bothered by a busy body thinking one parent is crazy for letting her kid cross a major intersection.

I’m winning the parents over and the kids get to go play at the park. I think summer is going to be awesome…

That is, as long as we all kick the kids out of the house and send them off to play together.

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Posted in Parenting

May 27

“What’s Wrong With People?! I’m a Big Kid Now!”

It happened again…Quite possibly the biggest fear of any free-range parent: Someone called the police about my son being unsupervised.

This time the call came from someone who had my address, and probably, one of my neighbors.

Unlike the previous run in with the police, the officer did not yell or automatically jump to the conclusion that I was a bad mother. He didn’t assume that because my son was playing at the park, I was negligent.

Instead, he noted that my being home was an indication of supervision and simply asked if my son had a habit of getting into trouble. “Is he responsible? Can you trust him to be where he says he’s going to be?”

No, yes and yes.

And then we both stood there for a moment looking puzzled.

“Someone gave you my address?” I asked.

“Yes,” he responded. “I don’t know how long the call has been in the system, but someone reported that you regularly leave your 9-year-old son alone and unsupervised.” He paused for a moment. “It sounds to me like you’re doing alright. And obviously, he’s not unsupervised if you’re home.”

While I was heartbroken thinking that one of my neighbors might have sent the police to my home, I was encouraged by the officer’s lack of concern. He was kind and assured me that “this stops with me,” and that CPS had not been alerted. He was just investigating a call. He asked a few more questions, thanked me for my time and went on his way.

But I was frazzled by the visit. Again my mind wondered if I had done anything wrong. I began trying to figure out which neighbor or community member might have made the call and why. Was it time for another move? This time with the goal of landing in a more kid friendly community? (Later I realized that this was probably a hangover from the last police visit and the officer probably hadn’t been completely forthcoming in that regard.)

I waited a few minutes and then headed to the park to check on the boy, who was already on his way home. As we hit the stairs, one of the kids from our community ran up and noted that the police had been here. Was everything alright? I told her things were fine, as the boy and I made our way to our apartment silently.

“Why were the police here?” The boy asked once we were inside.

“They said someone made a call about you being unsupervised.”

He was livid. “Again?!? What is wrong with people?!” He said throwing his helmet on the couch. “I’m a big kid now!”

“I know, honey…” I didn’t really know what else to say. I was still processing the whole thing myself. I was afraid, but didn’t want him to be. How could I teach him not to be afraid of the community if I was afraid?

“Maybe…” he started. “Maybe I shouldn’t go to the park.”

In that moment, I knew I had to reassure both of us that we were doing the right thing. “No. We will not be afraid and we have not done anything wrong.”

“But what if this happens again?”

“Then we’ll deal with it.”

I could tell that he was just as shaken as I and for a couple days, he didn’t ask to go to the park.

Thankfully, the fear didn’t last long and yesterday, he asked if he could go visit his friends near the big park. Still nervous about the visit from the police, I decided to escort him. And once he had successfully found a friend’s house at which to play, he quickly waved me away.

I left trying to ignore the nagging feeling, but knew he would make his way home on his own just fine.

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Posted in Parenting, The Boy

May 23

He went to the park without me. I checked on him. He didn’t need me

Last year the Boy and I celebrated a play holiday created by Free-Range Kids author Lenore Skenazy: Take Your Kids to the Park and Leave Them There. We biked to the park and I left him at the playground while I rode the bike trails. I was nervous at first, but when I came back 30 minutes later, he had made a new friend.

This Saturday was Take Your Kids to the Park and Leave Them There Day, but we didn’t celebrate. Well…not in any official way. You see, in the year since the one we did celebrate, it has become commonplace for the boy to go to the park on his own and hang out with the other kids…mostly boys. So today was really a regular Saturday for us.

I suppose the real difference is that we’ve learned a lot since then. We’ve learned that while most folks are free-range friendly, there are those who don’t agree with the free-range philosophy. As a result, I pulled back a little, and the Boy hadn’t been able to visit some of his friends at the skate park/community center near our house. Sure there was the school park a block away, but the the Boy was beginning to miss his friends from other other park.

I had worried. Maybe a half a mile was too far. Maybe the big intersection he had to cross to get to the “big park” was too busy for him to cross without my supervision. Honestly, I was more worried about what people would think and do about my son being unsupervised than I was about him being hurt by a stranger, hit by a car or doing something dangerous.

But he wore me down and I started letting him go back to the big park. First for only an hour. Then for two. Then one day he called and said one of his friends was having a party, could he stay? And when I went over to check on him, he was playing with all the kids he had met during our first summer in this neighborhood.

All of this lead to today, when he begged me if he could go to the big park and despite my fear, I let him go with a warning to be careful and call me if he decided to hang out at a friend’s house. Which he did. And later, he called me again to let me know he was at the skate park. I thanked him for checking in, hung up the phone and geared up for a surprise check-up. (I find doing this keeps him honest, he never knows when I’m going to pop up and if I can’t find him where he said he’ll be, he’ll lose some of his precious freedom.)

When I got to the park, he was there, happily surrounded by other skater boys, practicing tricks. I stayed back and watched because I didn’t want to break his focus. It was awesome to see him out there with the other boys, all of them so focused on landing whatever jump or grind they were working to perfect. He fell down many times, as skaters often do, and I resisted the urge to rush to his aid.

And then the boy caught sight of me and I became a distraction from his practice so he asked me to leave. He asked me to leave!

The boy didn’t need me. Now isn’t that what being free-range is all about? So I left him. And it was just another Saturday.

Did you take your kids to the park and leave them there this weekend?

Image by greenkozi

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Posted in Parenting, The Boy

May 10

Book Review: Free-Range Kids

If you’re a regular reader, you know I love the Free-Range Kids blog, by Lenore Skenazy. (If you’re not a regular reader, here’s the feed). Recently, when I got the itch to read a hard copy book, I purchased Skenazy’s book, Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children, Without Going Nuts With Worry.

The idea, which I’ve discussed here before, is that giving kids age appropriate freedom is good for their development, good for parents, good for communities. She advocates that parents teach their kids about freedom and responsibility, give them the tools they need to confidently explore the world, starting first with their local neighborhoods. And I agree.

Skenazy is hilariously irreverent and equipped with the stats anyone needs to combat the fear that makes us want to lock our kids in the house. I’m already planning to buy a copy for my sister (who is raising three boys she’s afraid to let out of her sight) so that when her boys are old enough, she’ll have a tool to help her break free of her fear and teach them independence.

My feeling is that parents are afraid and want to give their kids freedom, but don’t know how. In Free-Range Kids, Lenore addresses those fears and provides ideas for taking baby steps or a big leap into going free-range. She also makes in clear that this concept isn’t about being lazy and uninvolved. Quite the contrary. If we’re going to send out kids out into the world, its our job as parents to prepare them. We shouldn’t live in fear and neither should they. This book is a gateway to reversing the trend of childhood lock-down and distrust of our neighbors.

Lenore Skenazy helped me gain perspective and I have watched my son develop in such an amazing way as a result of our free-range practice. As far as I’m concerned, Free-Range Kids is a must read for any parent, especially those who want their kids to grow up competent, confident and ready to take on the world.

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Posted in Books, Parenting

Apr 22

An hour of exercise a day and an healthy diet keep you skinny…

That’s what the commercial said.

I didn’t actually hear it. The Boy was listening to the TV with his headphones on.

“It said ‘an hour of exercise a day and a balanced diet can keep you skinny and healthy,’” he said removing the headphones and looking at the TV quizzically.

“You sure they didn’t say ‘keep you slim?’” I asked.

“Nope, it said ‘keep you skinny.’ That’s weird.”

And then he did a mini rant about exercising but not just to do it for 60 minutes, but because he’s always outside playing.

I just let the smile growing across my face (how can I not be a proud mama when my kid says something so innocently insightful?) and nodded my approval of his assessment.

But I’m still bothered by the fact that the healthy diet and exercise PSA was selling skinny, rather than health and fun in the sun. Which brings me to the deep feeling of sadness I have when I look around safe neighborhoods and see not a single kid outside playing. And yet, there are commercials telling kids they can be skinny if they exercise for an hour a day.

As the Boy so aptly pointed out, kids could spend the entire day exercising, if they were outside running around, playing.

While society is realizing that our collective health is deteriorating, instead of encouraging kids to go outside and play (and encouraging parents to let them), the TV (a serious play-killer) tells them that if they want to be skinny, they should get an hour of exercise.

There’s a serious disconnect here. So in keeping with the brave free-range steps recommended in Lenore Skenazy’s Free-Range Kids book (which I’ll post an official review of once I’ve finished reading), I gave the boy an index card to show people when and if they ask what he’s doing out there without an adult, and let him go to the big park near our house. Yes, the same park, less than a mile away, from which he was returning, when I was summoned by the police because he went into a fast food joint asking for water. The same park where he made his first friends in the neighborhood; friends he hasn’t been able to see since the incident.

Naturally, I’m nervous considering what happened last time. But we went over the rules, the Boy asked what time he should come home, gave me a hug and went off to enjoy his chance to play. Instead of giving in to the fear, I can rest assured that my kid will be out running around, instead of sitting in the house playing video games, watching TV and being sold 60 minutes of skinny.

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Posted in The Boy

Nov 02

Where are all the girls?

I stopped at the park to check on the Boy the other day and noticed something: there were very few girls. There may have been one or two but fairly young and a very watchful adult eye.

All the rest of kids were boys. They varied in age, from maybe 7 to young adult. They all seemed to know each other and were obviously free-range.

And it struck me. Where are all the girls? The boys get to be free-range and the girls get locked away in the house?

I started thinking back to the other parks, the other free-range kids I’ve noticed. All boys. Not a single girl to be found riding her bike or scooter…hanging out with other girls…hanging out with the boys…

So I asked the Boy about it. He could only name two girls he’s played with at the park, one he says is always hurting herself, the other only showed up once.

It pained me to think of the girls who live in my condo community, who aren’t allowed to go outside the gate without an adult. But where do they play then? Because I rarely see or hear them outside on the weekends.

Makes me sad to think of the boys growing up free-range and all the girls being helicopter parented. Imagine the disconnect that will create.

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Posted in Opinion, Parenting

Oct 27

The Boy talks to strangers, and it’s good for him


One of my favorite things about the Boy is that he’s super friendly. Always has been. He waves and smiles to strangers and makes friends quickly. I’m friendly, but definitely not as comfortable with new people as immediately as he is.

And I love watching and listening to his interactions. It’s also why its nice to be in a neighborhood where others also wave, smile and talk to strangers. His friendliness is welcome and people talk to him.

The other day we went to our favorite local indie cafe, Sweet Elle, and there was a younger kid there. As is his style the Boy just walked over and started treating the other kid like they were old friends. A few minutes later I saw him ruffle the kid’s hair. I cringed, concerned he had perhaps crossed the personal space boundary, but the kid just smiled and skipped off.

There’s another kid…a teenager really. I had seen him on the bus several times on his way to school. Sometimes he catches the same bus we do on our way home, and the Boy immediately took a liking to him. And the older boy is friendly, answers all the Boy’s questions with a smile and seems to genuinely enjoy the Boy’s temporary company.

Everywhere we go, the Boy is a social butterfly. I think he has his dad to thank for that, because he definitely didn’t get it from me.

Not that it matters though. It’s wonderful to see the excitement the Boy gets from meeting a new person. And he’s always been partial to chopping it up with dudes. Funny how at the age of two, I knew, the Boy was a man’s man. He’s a social butterfly and makes a habit of talking to strangers. You know what? It’s good for him.

He’s confident and resilient. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him bother anyone who didn’t seem open to being bothered and most of the time people are downright delighted by his inquisitive conversation. While I’m sometimes uncomfortable with his comfort with strangers, I usually resist the urge to interfere. Instead I watch and listen carefully while he learns a skill that will make him a success later in life.

And that, is definitely a good thing.

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Posted in My Life, The Boy

Oct 18

The Boy, the fall and the helpful stranger

I’m always reading about people and their kids being harassed by paranoid, busy-body, safety police at the Free-Range Kids blog. I even had a parent who lives close to The Boy’s school “report” me to the school admins because he showed up at 7 PM asking if their kid could come out to play (to which I responded incredulously: I told him he could go and we live around the corner. I can hear kids playing during recess, we live so close. And there was still sun.).

So, understandably, when I send the Boy out to the park, I worry sometimes that someone will see him and think he’s too young to be out there by himself. But the Boy has always been free-range and living in an upstairs unit in a quiet gated condo community, having parks within walking distance is a necessity for all parties involved. In fact, one of the first things we did when we moved into our new neighborhood was find the closest park and check it out together.

The closest is the school park, which the Boy generally finds boring. But just a little further away is a park with a community center, a skate park, and all sorts of things he can do. Best of all, there are lots of other kids for him to play with as well (with the only adults hanging around to watch the younger kids). He’s even made friends and always makes sure to have their parents call me if they’re concerned with his being out there without adult supervision.

Generally, we’ve learned that our neighborhood is fairly free-range friendly and the Boy goes back and forth from the community center park and home without a hitch. Except yesterday…

He fell and hurt himself on his way home from the park. I figured it was pretty bad because he called me from a stranger’s phone and asked me to come get him. After asking him if he was too injured to ride his scooter home and hearing the distress in his voice, I hopped in the car (rented for the weekend of errand running) and went to pick him up. There he was sitting in a booth by himself, waiting so patiently. When he saw me, he looked so relieved and thanked me for coming so quickly. He exaggerated a little limp and told me that his whole right side hurt from the fall. I could see a bit of evidence, but I decided not to press the issue that he could have totally made it home.

When I asked him whose phone he had used, he said that a lady saw him fall and asked if he needed any help. He asked if he could call his mom to pick him up. He said she didn’t ask about why he was out there alone or anything indicating any disapproval, just let him use her phone told him to wait for me and went on about her business.

And when I picked him up, no one was hovering. The whole situation made me proud of the Boy and my community.

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Posted in Parenting, The Boy

Aug 13

Kids Fly Solo…

And their parents want answers. That’s what the headline said.

Heh.

I’m of two minds on this myself neither of which include the parents questioning the government or the airline.

1) What resourceful kids! The girl decided she wanted to go to use her money to fly. She’d never done it before. She wanted to try something new. Enlisted her brother and a friend to go with her. Kids travel unaccompanied all the time (hell, my oldest son does it at least twice a year). They weren’t hurt, just a little spooked when they flew into the wrong airport.

2) As a parent who believes in giving my kids a long leash, I’m bothered by the fact that these kids didn’t bother to alert their parents. Is it because they knew they’d be told no? Is it because they didn’t think about it? Either way, they need to understand the responsibility of freedom. Meaning: if you want more freedom, you become responsible for making sure your parents are aware of where you are and coming in the house on time.

I know there will be lots of people blaming the airline employees for not asking questions and not stopping the kids from traveling without parental permission. But it’s not the airline’s fault. It’s not the regulator’s fault. This comes down to kids pushing the boundaries…perhaps a little too far for their parents’ liking.

Without knowing more about the kids or the families, I’ll say that passing the responsibility off to the airline to “ask questions” teaches the kids that they can do what they want, and there will be no consequences. And there should definitely be consequences. The worst thing these parents could do is sue the airline for some perceived negligence. Instead, the parents should talk to their kids about why what they did was wrong, the responsibility of freedom and lay down some ground rules for the next time the kids get the itch to travel. They were all old enough, the only problem is that they didn’t ask permission.

What do you think?

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Posted in Parenting

May 22

I took him to the park, left him for 30 minutes, he was fine, we made new friends

Note: I tend to write in bursts so if this is your first time here and you like what you read, subscribe to the feed so you don’t forget where to go to for more. ;)

Today has been dubbed by Lenore Skenazy of Free-Range Kids, Take Your Children to the Park and Leave them There day. I generally don’t go to the park near my house because it’s not really…near my house, but today I woke early determined to participate in this day somehow.

I suppose it might have been better if I had spoke to some other parents near me. Truth is that I work a lot and the Boy doesn’t know the other kids very well. So I decided we’d ride to the park and I’d leave him at the playground, while I rode the bike trails.

When I got to the park, I was a little nervous. Not because I was afraid the Boy would come to any peril in my absence but because there were adults hovering over kids like I had never noticed before. Just as I was thinking I’d make him ride trails with me, another kid his age showed up and I didn’t exist anymore. I gave him instructions for responding to questions for where his mother was (I told him to say he was fine and that his mom was in the park, instead he said “Today is take your kid to the park and leave them there day! :D ” :-/) and headed off to the bike trail.

The sun was bright, the morning air was refreshing and the creek the bike trail followed was absolutely beautiful. I could smell jasmine, and grass and hear the little bit of water make its way over and through the rocks. And I was slightly in awe of what I had lived relatively close to for almost a year, and never bothered to see (I had also been complaining that the park wasn’t walking distance…which it really isn’t from our house, so the bikes helped).

When I returned to the playground about 30 minutes later, the kids were engrossed in play. I asked the Boy if he wanted to ride the trails with me, he asked his new friend, I introduced myself to the friend’s mother (who asked about “eave your kid at the park day,” which I happily explained) then we all rode off on the nature reserve bike trail together.

It was so much fun! The other mom and I had lots in common, and the kids were getting on like old friends. There was a set of metal slides and we hug out there, while the kids went down the tallest one over and over.

Then it was time for us to go our separate ways. The other mom and I exchanged numbers because…well, our kids hat hit it off (and so had we kinda) and expressed some interest in hanging out again. The whole thing was all in keeping with why I was there in the first place: For the Boy and I to go out, be active and make new friends.

We’ll definitely be doing that more often.

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Posted in My Life

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