Category: My Life

Jun 15

Worry Edges Out Possibilities and Happiness

Don't worry, be happyMy sister often talks about how I am her example of how faith works. She’s seen me take risks and believe that the universe would return my willingness with abundant prosperity; and it has. For most of us, the problem isn’t that there aren’t opportunities and possibilities, its that we give into the fear and worry.

But there is one basic principal that got me on the path of shifting my perception away from lack and limitation to limitless possibilities.

I stopped worrying.

The concept is deceptively simple. I like to plan. I like to create structure around myself. I don’t like when things don’t go the way I plan them and I am still learning to be a good steward over my finances. But through all of life’s ups and downs, I’ve learned that worrying just gets in the way.

Ultimately the worry is fear. And fear doesn’t focus on possibilities. It puts the focus squarely on the problem and magnifies it so you feel helpless. The helplessness turns into stress and then you find yourself unable to rest or focus on anything other than whatever your current worry is. And some people worry all the time. That must be a stressful life.

I made a conscious decision not to worry and since then, when stressors come, I have learned to trust that everything will work itself out. It took years to get to this place where I can simply trust that things will work for the good. Yes, that’s right. I trust that things will work in my favor. After years of going through life’s peaks and valleys, I’ve learned that worry edges out the ability to see possibilities, and creates more stress.

And, really. Who needs that much stress in their lives? I sure don’t

Instead of worrying and focusing on the problem, when something comes up, I first evaluate what I can do about it. If there are actions I can take immediately to resolve the problem, I get to work. If there’s no immediate action that can be taken and I feel worry start to creep up, I remember that I have never gone hungry or been without shelter. In fact, my life has constantly improved and I have always been able to take care of my kids. I remind myself that through it all, I have come through a stronger, wiser and happier person.

Most of us spend our days worrying so much that we don’t even know we’re worried. But the key is to begin changing the way you think and shifting your perception away from the fear, to something more productive. Over time, when life knocks you over the head, you’ll be less compelled by that internal trigger that wants to focus all energies on “OMG OMG WHAT EVER WILL I DO?” Instead, you’ll be able to handle life’s stressors with a clear head, rather the being beholden to the negative what ifs.

Image via Evil Erin

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Jun 08

Parents Can Get Together to Teach Kids Respect For Each Other

This isn’t a movie review for the movie I’ve never seen with the same title. Instead, its an expression of pride in teh collective parenting my neighbors and I are doing.

About a month ago, the Boy came into the house crushed and crying that his friends had told him he wasn’t Christian. While my first impulse was to say, “So the-fuck-what,” I could tell he was very hurt by the assertion that his spiritual foundation was false. Instead, I asked him why they had said this…had he done something to provoke such a response?

He told me that he and the girls had gotten into a disagreement and that he pushed one of them. One of them responded to his violence toward her friend by questioning his faith.

Clearly, she had no real understanding of what it meant to be a follower of Christ beyond the concept that hurting others was wrong. It was a good place to start, but her assertion indicated a youthful ignorance that resulted in behavior that was hurtful to someone she called a friend.

I talked to the boy about spirituality being personal and the concept of being Christian meaning to follow Christ’s example of love and decided to let him try to work things out on his own.

But then it happened again. And again nearly a month later, this time with a group of girls cornering the boy at the water fountain to taunt and yell and threaten to beat him up.

This was the point at which I decided to contact the teacher and request that she take action. I also decided that since most of the taunters lived in our building, that I would talk to their parents. The good news is that the parents were sympathetic and agreed that the kids should not be picking on each other. And since then, the kids have been playing nicely together.

We tend to react to bullying in one of two ways as parents: either we ignore it in the expectation that the kids can negotiate their own conflicts, or we get way too involved taking on the defender position which can often make things worse. Sometimes though, parents can band together and teach kids to respect one another.

Thats what me and the other parents here did. We all agreed that the kids didn’t have to be friends, but we didn’t want them to be mean to one another.

It was a teachable moment for all involved.

Image © katclay

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May 16

Education, Pride, and Hope for the Future

Last week I had the pleasure of traveling to Cincinnati to speak to students, oh behalf of the Freedom Writers, about the importance of education and how one choice can have major consequences.

I recalled the high academic expectations my mother had for me and how hard she worked to make sure I got a quality education. How she constantly reminded me that education was my ticket to life as more than just a secretary or working retail.

For a long time, I thought my story of fighting every step of the way to achieve my mother’s dream was insignificant, compared to some of the other Freedom Writer stories of violence and abuse. But seeing the kids in Cincinnati — many of whom are also being pushed to go to college, while not really seeing any resources to accomplish this goal — made me realize that my story can help give these students hope.

I also had to reflect on the fact that while education is a great opportunity equalizer, there are even fewer resources available for these students than there were for me. Education budgets are being slashed and the result is crowded schools and classes, overworked teachers who have been villanized, and students who have little hope for their educational future.

Still, I did my best to inspire and encourage the students despite the increasingly difficult atmosphere in which going to college seems like an impossible dream.

And on my way home, I got an amazing phone call. My oldest son is being awarded a scholarship to a boarding school in Washington DC because of his outstanding academic achievement and strong leadership. My hope was restored that while the resources seemed to be shrinking away, there are still opportunities for kids who work hard to rise above the rest and be recognized for it.

I know that he’ll have to work twice as hard while being away from his family and surrounded by other kids whose parents are probably paying their tuition to this private school. But my fear that there would be too much pressure for him was calmed when he told me that he was ready and would do whatever it took, because this was his chance.

His chance to get a great education and a solid foundation to prepare him to get into a great college.

And my heart swelled with pride, remembering how hard I had worked to impart the same value for education as my mother had imparted to me. This legacy was being passed on, and there is hope that my son will one day earn a college degree and become a second generation college graduate.

Image by DieselDemon

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May 04

Beautiful validation, from one mother to another

This weekend I saw a friend I haven’t seen in almost 10 years. We reconnected on Facebook and talked about getting together for a few months until, one day she called and she was on her way.

Its a good thing we didn’t have any plans.

The boys got along like long lost friends and splashed around in the pool for hours. And the friend — we’ll call her M — sat in the sun talking. Talking about spirituality, health, vices and what we’ve learned from our boys.

She remarked that she wished her son were as independent as mine and confided in me that her son was autistic. For a long time she had been so worried about the autism, that how until recently, she let it become an excuse for her to do almost everything for her son. There was no consequence for any of his actions and there was no responsibility.

Then one day M found herself trying to lift her 8-year-old son to help him get dressed, and she realized how ridiculous it all was. M saw the environment — and bratty monster — she had created, and she was not pleased.

“If I kept that up,” she said, “how would he ever know how to take care of himself? How would he ever go out into the world on his own?”

I had to reflect on how exhausting it must be to be a single mother to an 8-year-old boy who has no responsibilities and for whom there are no consequences. M’s boy seemed perfectly sweet to me, but I know how things are different when it’s not your kid.

Fortunately, M’s realization lead her to beginning to ween her son from his dependence on her. She did not want to be his world. She did not want to cripple him for adulthood by continuing to infantilize him. I could tell M had committed to making the change, for sanity and well-being of herself and her son.

And I was proud of her, as both a mother and a friend. Consequences, responsibility, freedom, play. These are things kids crave and need to be well rounded. My boy and I may be ready for him to go to the park and to visit neighborhood friends without me attached to his hip, but that was years in the making.

I realized that for some, letting go simply doesn’t come easy. I made the commitment early on when I decided that I would be a working mother. If I was going to college and work a job too, my kids could not have separation anxiety. As a single, working mother, I didn’t have the luxury of pampering my kids with over-protection and shielding them from the outside world.

Not all people see it that way, and that’s OK. But there is beautiful validation when people remark on how independent and well mannered the Boy is. And I’m glad M had her realization in her own time and is working to raise her own, independent, well-mannered, confident and capable young man.

Image by mrhayta

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Apr 27

Revelations from being unfocused and frustrated

Somehow I knew that I was going to have a hard time focusing when I went to yoga yesterday. I need to do laundry and I was wearing these shorts that are fine in the house, but otherwise make me feel really exposed. The class is heated anyway and it was either wear the shorts or skip yoga, and I really wanted to go. So I wore the shorts hoping for a spot on the back wall, where no one would be behind me.

Instead I ended up second row from the front, with two guys and a scent happy woman behind me. I was already feeling like I’d be flashing everyone when I got into downward dog, and then the instructor turned the lights up. I was uncomfortable, self-conscious, disconnected from my breath and just waiting for the class to be over.

I tried to fight through and find a focused place but ended up leaving about 10 minutes before the class ended, frustrated. With everything. Frustrated about the unfocused and ineffective yoga experience. Frustrated that things didn’t go according to plan. Frustrated about having to wait. Frustrated with my finances.

And what does all this frustration get me?

It doesn’t make the things go my way. Doesn’t make me stop wanting. Doesn’t help the focus. Doesn’t help me be happy.

I recalled previous yoga instructors reminding us to be focused and present on the mat and how that focus was always what made the yoga experience most effective and fun.

Its so natural for the mind to wonder off to some moment other than the one you’re experiencing right now. To get so focused on what’s next that you become frustrated and ineffective. But I have never found yoga as frustrating as when I struggled to connect with my breath and be present on the mat.

Such is the same with building a business, a relationship, and even with raising kids. The more present we are in each individual moment, the more those moments make you stronger and wiser. And each focused moment builds momentum to move you closer to your vision.

Image by Funkdooby

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Apr 20

Nothing goes according to plan

life_is_a_mazeThat doesn’t mean I stop trying to plan. The plans are always loose, and I really subscribe to the plan-as-you-go philosophy, in life as much as business. But that doesn’t mean when things don’t go the way I had hoped or expected them to go, that I don’t feel the disappointment.

I’ve been feeling a little disappointed all month actually. Kicking the freelance business into full gear proved more difficult than expected and while I’ve got some pretty good leads, the income is not nearly where I want it to be. Good news is that a couple projects and clients came through, so my panic was abated by the results of the hustle.

But there was another plan, one that involved international immigration and marriage and spending the rest of my life with the man I love. Unfortunately, that plan just isn’t going the way I expected. And so tonight is the last night David and I will spend together for the next six to eight months.

And its gonna suck.

You know what I’ve learned though? Nothing goes according to plan and things take twice as long as you expect them to. ‘Tis the case in both life and business.

And in both business and life, you have to have patience. I mean I was frustrated about the contracts not coming through based on the timeline I had established in my head, but they came through nonetheless.

While it would be really nice if David didn’t have to go home, we know that when he comes back, it will be to stay. And its certain he will come back.

So despite my disappointment that our loose plan didn’t work, I’ll be patient until the plan works itself out.

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Apr 04

The War on Education and the American Dream


Last week the Freedom Writers Foundation hosted an event for educators (and education students) at the University of La Verne. While there was much talk about connecting with students and diversity awareness, there was another common thread: educators feel like they are under attack.

And why wouldn’t they feel that way? What with entire school districts being fired in an effort to circumvent seniority rights and Wisconson governor Scott Walker’s illegal union stripping bill, teachers are being scapegoated all over the country.

School teachers are accused of living high on the tax-payer dollar hog and colleges have been branded as bastions of liberal elitism.

What’s wrong with this picture?

Why is it that after granting huge tax breaks to the richest people in the country — tax breaks that we could not afford — how is it that there can be a political movement to make cuts to front line services like education?

How is it ok to say people should save for retirement and then act like these people — who have saved for retirement, by paying into pension plans and social security — are robbing us so they should be stripped of those benefits because the people in government don’t understand how to balance a budget?

Why should we sit by and watch as the American Dream continues to be stripped away?

I’m not talking about the American Dream of consuming as much as possible and owning more home — and car — than you can afford. And heck, the dream of job security has been more of an illusion for the last decade.

The American Dream is all about opportunity. The opportunity for a good education and socio-economic mobility. Where does that fit into stripping the funding for education, firing as many teachers as possible and then branding public sector workers as parasites? Have we really made so little progress that we don’t understand that access to good education is vital to democracy?

What’s scary is that this is all part of what appears to be a conservative backlash against all of the social justice policies implemented over the last 50 years. People like myself have been afforded opportunities we probably wouldn’t have had, if not for the never ending civil rights struggle in this country.

Here’s the thing though: those opportunities are what the American Dream is all about. And education is the great equalizer.

Makes you wonder if the current political climate is about “budget deficit” and “returning the country to its prior glory,” or instead, all out warfare on the American Dream.

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Image via Perfecto Insecto

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Mar 24

AT&T and World Domination

“So AT&T wants to dominate, huh?”

It’s the same thing we’ve all been thinking since the news broke this weekend.

AT&T has long had its sights set on world domination by acquiring smaller companies. And then it became a legal — albeit regulated — monopoly during WWI as a way to return to private ownership after being nationalized for a year. Bell Systems [source]

The story and its implications are well documented, so I’m not going to deal with that here. What struck me was that so many people brought it up. We’re not talking about internet people or people very tuned into business news. These were family members, friends and conversations overheard around town.

People are worried about this deal. They’re worried about price fixing and AT&T’s aggressive move to dominate the market.

And why shouldn’t they be? AT&T has been making its slow march to recover its dominant position for a long time, gobbling up Pacific Bell and Cingular. Now AT&T might have its hands on one of their biggest competitors, with its defense against anti-trust action being that there are plenty of small local wireless carriers all over the country.

One thing was clear, as AT&T continued to come up in these discussions. Not a single person thought this acquisition was good for the consumer. Nor did anyone think the deal was good for competition.

Sprint may be safe for now, but how long before AT&T and Verizon are the last monoliths standing?

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Mar 14

Shaking off the corporate Stockholm syndrome

Ever have so many things change all at once that you don’t know how to begin getting back to normalcy? That’s how I’m feeling right now.

Once I left the day job, I decided to take it easy. I knew I was going to eventually start looking for freelance projects, but I wanted to enjoy the sunshine and the freedom for a little while.

I started getting the itch to nest and since I now had the means, I got a few things to make my living and work space comfortable. With David’s arrival the nesting turned into a lingering domesticity as we settled into the experience of being together for an extended period of time.

Now, with the savings starting to dry up, it’s time to get the business going and cash flow coming in. And I’m not worried about making that happen, its just a matter of getting back to work and structuring my time appropriately.

But I feel like I’m coming out of a fog…the fog of too many weeks of indulging in leisure and taking advantage of my new freedom.

It’s like this sort of corporate Stockholm syndrome, where my natural instinct for independence and autonomy has been clouded by being an employee for so long and now I have to reprogram myself. Reprogram myself not to depend on a bi-monthly paycheck and to incorporate everything I’ve learned about starting and running a small business.

So here’s to shaking off the Stockholm syndrome and getting down to the business of starting a business.

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Feb 25

Of Freedom Riders and Freedom Writers

To celebrate Black History Month and to honor the 50th Anniversary of the Freedom Ride, the Freedom Writer Foundation asked me share what it means to be a Freedom Writer now. Here is my letter:

I had been taught that people fought and died for my freedom and, if the time came, I should do the same. I was taught through the examples of the Freedom Riders, Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks, John Lewis, and the Little Rock Nine, that it takes but a spark of action to make a change. I was keenly aware that the freedom I enjoyed and the opportunities I had access to would not have been available to me if not for these brave people becoming such catalysts.

This year, the 50th Anniversary of the Freedom Riders, I reflect on my Freedom Writer journey, the inspiration of the Freedom Riders and the opportunity given to me by Ms. G to become part of a movement for diversity awareness and educational equality. This was my chance to follow in the footsteps of great leaders who refused to cower in the face of injustice. I had no idea what I was getting myself into at the time or how much hard work such an undertaking would require, including putting my heart, time and energy where my mouth and idealism were. In the end, I gained so much more than I could ever have given.

I have published a book, traveled the world, earned awards and trained teachers. On top of all this, when I thought it was over, it was the full scholarship from the Freedom Writers Foundation that enabled me to be the first in my family to graduate from college. I don’t know what my life would be like had I not been given the Freedom Writers Scholarship. What I do know is that it provided me with a foundation for success.

The Freedom Writers Foundation still awards scholarships to students and provides teacher training through the Freedom Writers Institute. Educators are in a prime position for planting the seed of change in students. Through the Freedom Writers Institute, Ms. G and the Freedom Writers work to give teachers the tools they need, not only to plant the seed, but nourish it as well. You see, while the Freedom Writers were inspired by our namesake the Freedom Riders, it was Ms. G who gave us the tools and opportunity to become change agents ourselves.

You don’t have to be a teacher or work in a classroom to make a difference in the classroom. By making a donation to the Freedom Writers Foundation, you can help the Foundation continue making dreams come true with college scholarships and giving teachers the training they need to close the educational gap one classroom at a time.

Thank you for your support.

Sincerely,
Kimberlee Morrison
Freedom Writer

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