I’ve been feeling a little disappointed all month actually. Kicking the freelance business into full gear proved more difficult than expected and while I’ve got some pretty good leads, the income is not nearly where I want it to be. Good news is that a couple projects and clients came through, so my panic was abated by the results of the hustle.

But there was another plan, one that involved international immigration and marriage and spending the rest of my life with the man I love. Unfortunately, that plan just isn’t going the way I expected. And so tonight is the last night David and I will spend together for the next six to eight months.

And its gonna suck.

You know what I’ve learned though? Nothing goes according to plan and things take twice as long as you expect them to. ‘Tis the case in both life and business.

And in both business and life, you have to have patience. I mean I was frustrated about the contracts not coming through based on the timeline I had established in my head, but they came through nonetheless.

While it would be really nice if David didn’t have to go home, we know that when he comes back, it will be to stay. And its certain he will come back.

So despite my disappointment that our loose plan didn’t work, I’ll be patient until the plan works itself out.

It didn’t take long before a friend of mine, a former church mate and devout Christian, also commented. She started out with something to the effect that it’s dangerous to “think” because our thoughts are not God’s thoughts and we are supposed to be transformed through the renewing of our minds. She went on to talk about sin and salvation and how our love is not the same as God’s love and that the only thing that matters is what God’s word (the Bible) tells us is right. It was apparent in her tone that she believed she was correct and that by virtue of my disagreeing with her, I would suffer some punishment when all is said and done.

As a Christian, I used to find it hard to reconcile this idea that we are not supposed to think for ourselves and that we were to be dependent on a preacher to interpret the Bible. And while I’ve been in quite a few churches that tout the verse “study to show yourself approved,” in practice, the premise of most has been to condemn anyone who actually took this scripture to heart and interpreted the Bible any differently than the majority.

This is actually a large part of why I have chosen not attend a traditional Christian church. Some of my friends call it a “heathen hippie gathering”, I call it spiritual fellowship. People from different walks of life come together to be inspired by spiritual leaders willing to give the gift of their wisdom without judgment.

One thing I’ve been sort of thinking about was my friend’s statement that we will be held accountable for the information we share with others. Maybe this was my indoctrination tugging at me but I felt as though she accused me of turning my back on God. I know she meant it all in love, so I simply thanked her for the discussion, but decided it best not to engage any further.

It’s impossible to explain the concept of love–the ultimate law–to a person so focused on taking the bible literally, who believes that anyone who disagrees with suffer the wrath of God and the only way to see “heaven” (whatever your interpretation may be) is through Christian salvation. There are many ways to experience God and millions of people all over the world who don’t even understand our Americanized version of Christianity (case in point: my Irish boyfriend with whom I can’t even have a discussion about religion because his frame of reference is Catholics vs Protestants).

The only thing that makes sense to me (someone who grew up in the church, went two to three times a week until I was a teenager and then again as a young adult, who was indoctrinated and found a different path) is that when all is said and done, the only thing that matters is love. If there was nothing else we were to take from Jesus it was that love covers a multitude of sins and we were not to assume we know better and are better than anyone else. We are to treat people with love and through our demonstration of love, people will see the God within. In fact–we are taught–God is love.

So if God is love and God is all there is, then love is all there is.

Some people will never understand this concept, which is fine. I don’t need others to understand, but based on my understanding, I will always try to act in love. I will do my best to treat myself, my kids, my neighbors and strangers on the street with love, because that was the ultimate lesson in Christ’s sacrifice.

Love is all there is. Walking in this level of love has taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. It’s the kind of love that leaves everyone space to be themselves and the strength to truly forgive. Love leaves us to work on our own lives, faith, livelihood and development of gifts without worrying about what others are doing. Walking in love leaves us to be beacons of light in an often dark world.

The choice is easy and every time I will choose love. Because what else is there?

I don’t, however, need an excuse to go to an awesome brunch with the boy and some friends. Besides which, the boy has been bugging me for ages to go back. So we’re getting up early (but not to early) to beat the V-Day crowds and stuff our faces, have many mimosas–too much sugar for the kid–and appreciate the good company.

Here’s the thing…I may not be into it, but my boyfriend The Mad Carpenter is totally mushy and sentimental and would be terribly hurt if I didn’t at least post some sort of love tribute. Truthfully, if he were here, I’d be excited because he’d definitely have something romantic planned. And while I may not be big on flowers or plush toys, romantic gestures are always welcome.

If he were here, he’d join my friends, the boy and me on our Valentines brunch and the day would have a different glow about it. Alas, he’s not here, so its just a regular day.

But still, I can’t let it pass without giving him a shout-out.

David I love you. I wish you were here.

The next few days will be about distracting myself so I don’t slip into sadness over his departure. I want him to be here, but I also know that if we just let things develop as they develop, our relationship will be happy and healthy. I don’t want a fairytale, I just don’t want to rush anything. I’ve been there and done that. This feels so good and so right, I don’t mind taking my time.

Who knows…We might end up together for the long haul. So whats a little distance until we get things sorted out.

For now, I send my love to him through the ether.

I love you David. Thank you for making me believe again.

Check out his blog to see what’s been happening over the last couple days. I’ll also tell you my short version just to catch you up.

In & Out for the first meal in SoCal. Friday was a domestic day…washing clothes groceries…that sort of thing. Saturday we went wine tasting in Temecula. Today we’re going on a balloon ride.

It’s been awesome and he’s only been here 4 days! The first hug was a little nervous but once we got over the initial shock of actually being in each others’ presence, the nervousness dissipated and we were like old friends.

What else can I say? It’s been wonderful. I’m enjoying every moment.

The only thing that was really making things hard was the distance. Hell, that’s a pretty big deal, I’d say. And as time went on and the yearning to be in his presence grew deeper, I decided that I couldn’t go beyond a year in the relationship without at least a visit.

So David and I talked about it and began saving money (Yes we both saved. What a bitch I’d be to ask him to fly 7k miles and not even be willing to pay half of his nearly $800 air fare?) and he promised that by the time our one year anniversary came, we would meet.

Well, our anniversary was two days ago, but not to worry, we shall meet in person next Thursday and spend two wonderful weeks together.

Am I nervous? Hell yeah!

Am I excited? Are you freakin’ kidding me?

I don’t know that I’ve ever been more nervous or excited about anything.

So there you have it.

5 days…

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Today I’ve been having a hard time coping with the distance between David and I. Its hard for us to coordinate talking because of the time difference and I was feeling especially needy today.

So today’s word is longing.

Technically I’m supposed to pick the word before I start my day, but I’m certain that the words I end up with are the words I’m supposed to be pondering.

How can one enjoy longing? Most of the time I cope very well. I didn’t even feel the his absence this past weekend when he was off the grid…But after almost five days of very abridged communication, I am starting to feel the sting. What I wouldn’t give to be in his presence, to touch him…smell him…

Alas, he is 7000 miles away and there is nothing we can do about it at the present moment. So for now, I send my love across the universe and long for the day we can be together.

For instance, I’d like to take this moment to totally muse about my boyfriend. OMG! I’m blogging about my boyfriend, what’s wrong with me?!

This deserves acknowledging. And hell, this is a personal blog anyway…

A few months back I talked about falling in love and struggling with the distance of the long distance romance, but ultimately, this relationship seems to be the healthiest I’ve ever been in.

And who is this man? Why he’s The Mad Carpenter of course!

I suppose I should get to the point…what inspired this gushing about my boyfriend?

This morning I received a wake up call from him, telling me to log onto my computer and check his blog. When I did, I found this. What a lovely way to wake up; to a romantic gesture and beautiful tribute to me and the gift I sent him for his birthday.

Despite the sickness I feel creeping up on me (I know, WTF?!) and the accompanying fatigue I’ve felt all week, I started the day with a spring in my step and all seemed right with the world. The fog might have been thick and the smog sticking to the mountain peaks off in the distance, but I don’t care because I have love. Real love.

He may be mad, but he is madly in love with me and if feels good to be reverenced in such a way. I haven’t felt so special in a very long time.

I truly believe ours is the type of romance every girl dreams of…I just never thought it would happen to me.

He leaves a trail for me to follow
Evidence of his love
Pieces to sustain me in his absence
When off he disappears
A ghost in the wind
His voice echoes in my head

He’ll return soon
But for now I pull together the puzzle
Grasping at the threads
Comforted by transcripts
As the sound begins to fade
I start to feel the pang

It doesn’t take long
Before the fibers begin to wear
His absence a short eternity
My craving grows stronger
Each minute a tiny forever
Grasping, grasping…

The cosmos send his love
To me on a zephyr
A warm embrace
Wrapped in his heart
I sleep dreaming of his face
His touch, his voice…