New digs and I’m loving it

It’s been a month since I moved. The whole experience of finding the right place, the cost of moving, the actual moving and getting adjusted to the new neighborhood has been really stressful. But all-in-all, it’s been totally worth it.

Worth it to be closer to family. I’ve seen my sister more since moving than I did in the entire time I lived in Orange. It’s awesome to know that my hometown is just a bike ride away and that I can throw that bike into my friend’s car should we decide to go out on the town.

Worth it to be part of a community. I walk down the street and people smile and say hello. My neighbors gather at the pool on Sundays so we won’t all be strangers living near each other.

Worth it to be near the ocean. I love the breeze, the atmosphere, the people biking everywhere, the friendly laidbackness of beach communities. I’m going to learn to surf and hopefully hit the beach a few times a month.

Worth it to live two blocks from a park/community center. As is my style, I can send the boys outside and tell them not to come in until dusk. No, you can’t sit here and watch TV all day. Take your ass to the park and play. Make friends. Meet other kids. Do what kids are supposed to do.

Worth it to make new friends. To live near people so excited to meet you that they offer to take your kids off your hands for a few hours a day because they’re doing a softball training camp. Nope, they don’t want money. They just like us and offered the activity for the summer.

Worth it for the Boy to attend a good school. The reviews of the school he’s attend were raving! The kids we’ve met who go there love it. There’s a farm and creative freedom for the teachers.

There will always be challenges, but they don’t seem so bad when you have a great place to call home.

Tags: Lifestyle, Moving, New Digs, New Home

Facing the Truth: Debt, Desperation and Deserving it All

I started this year with a grand vision. I’d get more active, start really focusing on building my freelance business and head off to grad school in the fall. The active part I have pretty well under control (mostly because I don’t have a car and I’ve been using a bike to get around). I’ve managed to drum up some freelance work, but I quickly realized that being full-time freelance by the end of the year was not going to happen. As for grad school, it was the first thing to come off the table as something to work toward this year.

You see, one of the most important steps in starting a business is to get real regarding your finances and ideally, ditching bad habits. Just as I started to pull back the veil to really examine the truth about my crumbling financial foundation, I realized I had to make some changes before I could begin launching any escapes.

Grad school would cost a hefty $100k (not including living expenses, child care, transportation, books…etc.) and I had no desire to dig myself deeper into debt. Unfortunately, I had ignored certain debts too long and was soon confronted with them in most unpleasant ways: car repossession and the threat of wage garnishment if I didn’t start paying my student loan.

I was embarrassed; both creditors had found me at work. The student loan people called my direct extension, but it was a coworker who alerted me that my car was being towed; I had to bring all the crap from my car to my desk. Talk about a wake-up call. If you know anything about Southern California, you know it is not a good place to be without a car. But now I see having a car as luxury, one I cannot currently afford.

So I bought a bike and a bus pass. I’ve also not missed a payment on my student loan since that fateful call.

The next step was to look at what other expenses I could scale back. I had this apartment that I was happy for at the time–escaping from recent outbreaks of violence in my long-time subsidized housing–but now it was starting to look over-priced. I was starting to see graffiti at the edges of the neighborhood and neither the boy nor I cared for the school he was attending. I felt isolated from my friends and family, most of whom lived 30 minutes to an hour away. I was struggling to make ends meet and really starting to feel the pressure.

I had two choices: Get a roommate or find a smaller apartment.

I waffled back and forth (very briefly) before deciding to take the plunge into finding new digs. Sure, I could save more money by getting a roommate, but I’d also be giving up my privacy and inviting a stranger to live with me and my child. I just wasn’t comfortable with that. If I moved, I could go to a city I liked and get closer to my family, while being able to maintain the privacy I valued so much.

So I made a list, a vision–if you will–of all the things I required of my new abode. I wanted a place walking or biking distance from the beach, with a private balcony or patio, a bedroom (not one of those Jr. 1 bedrooms that don’t have a separate sleeping space) and I wanted to save $200-300 a month. I gave my 30 day notice–effectively burning my ship–and started booking appointments and submitting applications. Again though, I was confronted with my poor financial history. While I had a good income and had never been evicted or filed bankruptcy, with so many things in collections, I looked like a risky proposition for a tenant and I was rejected several times.

Mentally, I began making compromises. Maybe I didn’t need a patio and maybe I didn’t need a bedroom. Maybe I should look at this piece of shit apartment over here because it’s been on the market for so long and they might be willing to negotiate. Maybe I can’t afford to live close to the beach. Maybe I’m not worthy of what I desire.

When I was declined just as my 30 days ran out, I started to doubt even more. Maybe I’d made a huge mistake. I should have waited to give my notice. What if no one is willing to give me a chance?

I felt weary but it was in this darkest moment I made up my mind that the doubt was a lie. I would have was I was looking for. It was out there for me, I just hadn’t found the one yet. It would come and it would be on time. I got an extension on my moving date and resumed my search with a strange feeling of calm.

I was more determined than ever, but somewhere along the way, I ditched my desperation flag.

You know the one flapping around going, “Hey I’m in need! I need and I need. Please help me because I NEED.”

Would you take a chance on someone so needy? Most people won’t. Not when it comes to their money.

It was really do-or-die time, but I had decided not to worry about whether or not things would work out. With every application I submitted, I let it go. I could not control the property owners, nor could I control the outcome of the applying. If it was meant to be mine, they would say yes and until someone said yes, I knew that the right place was waiting for me.

Then a rental agent I had been working with called me. He had submitted an application for a condo we saw a few weeks prior and I was approved. All I needed to do was go sign the lease, take in my deposit and move in when I was ready.

So, in two weeks [UPDATE: I moved in almost two weeks ago an I love it! More details on the new crib in a later post], I’ll be sitting on my lovely patio, at my new beach condo, saving money on rent every month and biking to the beach on Saturdays with my boys.

And I didn’t have to make any compromises.

True enough, my finances are a mess. It’s also true that I will prosper as my soul prospers. The lie is that I don’t deserve any of the things I’m seeking: financial, physical and spiritual health. The truth is that I deserve it all. We all do.

Originally published at the Live Your Truth blog.

Tags: Financial Messiness, Getting Things Done, Inspiration, Introspection, Life Happens, Money Problems, Personal Finance, Triumph

It’s all connected

My first job out of college was with one of those early online publishers. I was skeptical at first when I was interviewed by this guy who for all of his professionalism was wearing jeans and had exposed tattoos. The interview was great and two days later I was offered the gig. I had never worked for a startup before and had been applying for PR gigs.

When I saw the ad for Know More Media, an online publisher of business news and information, I thought, hey…what the hell. I’ll either get it or not. I had never heard of this publisher but telecommuting sounded like a winner to me.

Everyone I told about the job was just as skeptical as I was. They’d raise their eyebrows and ask, “Online publisher?” At the time, the idea of a blog network that wasn’t a personal blog was still a new concept. And when my first paycheck was late, I had red flags all over the place. Turns out, the late paycheck was my fault because I had provided the wrong checking account information and being an editor at Know More Media became one of my favorite jobs ever.

The day I found out that the company was going under, was a very sad day indeed. But it left me with great professional experience and great friends. I still look back on my KMM days affectionately, have lunch with the guys from time to time and find ways to work with some of the authors who were also part of that great publishing experiment.

And this morning I was offered an opportunity to work with one of my former bosses; a semi-silent KMM partner who has always been very kind to me. I’m excited and encouraged by his confidence in my skills. I also know that this is one of many gigs that will launch my business.

I’ll forever be grateful for the experience and relationships that came out of my time at Know More Media. It prepared me for the rest of my career in the publishing industry as an editor and gatekeeper.

Tags: Business, Experience, Friendships, Goals, Know More Media, Reflections

On goals, desire and the timing of it all

So I’ve been going back and forth for the last month or so about the grad school thing. The plan was to apply to this great program where I’d get two masters degrees: one from the London School of Economics and another from USC. Whether or not I would get in was never a question; I assumed that applying meant acceptance because I’m just that awesome.

The problem was in trying to figure out how I would get to London, pay tuition, support myself as a student in another country and then in 10 months turn around an come back to the states and basically start all over. The fact is that while the program would change my life and fits into my aspiration to one day be a college professor, I can’t really afford it.

Now sure I could take out a huge loan or try for a grant or two, but I want to get out of debt, not deeper into debt. So I decided that it was time to rethink this goal and whether or not this is the right time to pursue it. And I’ve come to the conclusion that the answer is a resounding no.

Right now is the time to focus on getting my freelance writing business going, paying down my debt and becoming more financially secure. I may have a job but I still live check to check and there is always at least one bill that goes unpaid every month. And that’s just not ok with me.

So my focus has shifted. Well, really, its become more clear. Its great to push yourself to the limit but I think I was trying to do too much. And truthfully, I feel much better having let go of one thing in order to focus on something that for me in far more important right now.

Have you ever had to let go of something you really wanted because the timing wasn’t right?

Tags: Getting Things Done, Goals, Letting Go, Planning, Recalibration, Timing

My life is dramatically different

I was thinking…

I’ve done all this talk about change, going through the cycles of feeling super productive and then not at all; taking big bold steps one day and the next being paralyzed with fear.

What I haven’t done this year is really take inventory of how different my life is from last year at this time.

At the end of February and heading into March 2009 I was still new on my job. Still feeling that small-fish-in-a-new-corporate-pond-but-damn-this-job-ROCKS feeling. I was also looking for a new place to live, somewhere closer to work and with good schools.

I was just starting to realize that my awesome first publishing job out of college with Know More Mediahad spoiled me and I had a lot to learn about working at a “real” magazine.* There were office politics and there were signs that Entrepreneur was being affected by the economic environment.

I was making new friends and yet still felt isolated. Most of the people I had connected with during my time at KMM were internet people and things changed as they do, making it difficult to keep up with people in time zones all over the world without practically being on a 24 hour clock.

In April, I would pick up my life and move from my home of nine years to find a new semi-temporary dwelling behind the orange curtain. Where I sought a better neighborhood suburbs, less diversity and realized that I really loved Long Beach.

That move would be my first leap into truly being on my own, with family and friends being considerably farther away. I began to feel isolated because I was so far from everyone, but I knew that the fresh start was what I needed. I wasn’t sure where I was heading next, but I knew this new place was not for the long haul. But I hung things and got comfortable anyway.

I began thinking about my health and thinking it was time to become more responsible with my finances. I started shifting away from eating take-out on a regular basis to cooking almost every meal I eat.

So much changed last year. I mean my life looks dramatically different now than it did last year at this time.

My hope is that I’ll be able to say the same thing next year.

Tags: Change, Goals, Introspection, Reflections

On productivity and weekend relaxation

Today I decided not to be lazy. I got up early for breakfast, sent off a couple emails I had been procrastinating on, spent some time polishing an essay I’ve been working on and then headed off to do laundry.

It’s still early.

So now I’m going to allow myself time to relax in this space. Feeling good about getting things done but not pushed to get much more done. Hey, weekends are made for relaxation. Or at least that’s the way I like them to be.

I often find myself asking if it’ll stay like this even when my business is booming. Will I have time to spend most of the day farting around the house or will I have my nose to the grindstone, working, working, working?

Truth is be told, I’m kinda lazy and I like having my weekends. So I’m thinking once I go freelance full-time, I’ll be able to find full blocks of time to just lay on my sofa, drinking cocktails, cuddling my boy and watching TV.

For now, I think its best I get my ass in gear.

Laziness doesn’t build an empire.

Tags: Goals, Productivity, Reflections, Work/Life Balance

And now here comes the fear

I’ve been making some moves. Where a couple weeks ago I was feeling like I hadn’t made enough progress and today I feel very different.

It’s not that I’ve made so much more progress than before, I’ve just been more active since making the plan. I’ve been consistent and it’s paying off with even the slightest increase in readership.

There’s one thing that’s scaring me though: the prospect of going to grad school. My boys are adamantly opposed, worried that I’ll forget about them. And I how could I? Mother’s who love, rarely do anything without thinking of how it will affect their children. So the protests of my children are not falling on deaf ears.

This process is the difference between choosing the safe and comfortable option versus pushing forward into radical life changes. Honestly, right now I want to regress and do whatever is easiest. I’m shitting myself thinking all I have to do is make the move and the universe will back me up.

But I refuse to be afraid of being great. I don’t want to live my life thinking what could have happened if I had only been brave enough.

I’m thinking the next week or so is going to be about beating the fear.

And beat it I shall.

Tags: Changing the Game, Fear of Flying, Goals, No Sandbacking, Self Sabotage

Woo hoo, consistency pays off

I don’t know why I’m so excited about it. Just seems like a big deal to me. Considering that I started this blog a year and a half ago and I’m just now hitting the 100 post mark seems…a little strange right now. I mean…what did I start this blog for if not to make use of it?

And it seems that making use is paying off. Not just in increased readership (hey you folks out there in cyber world!) but in the increased commitment to regular posting. Writing every day isn’t an obligation or a chore, I actually enjoy it! Read more…

Tags: 100 Posts, Benchmarks, Blogging, Goals, Writing

Learning to Manage the GAP

You may or may not have noticed that I’ve been feeling a little discouraged. Yesterday I posted an excerpt from the 10th anniversary edition of the Freedom Writer’s Diary as a reminder to myself of how far I’ve come.

So it was exactly what I needed when I saw this tweet from Carla Young:
Don’t be afraid of the space between your dreams & reality. If you can dream it, you can make it so. – Belva Davis

What the heck am I talking about? Read more…

Tags: GAP, Getting Things Done, Goals, God's Area of Preparation

Oh no, not again…

It’s sad when you do nothing all day and you still forget to post a blog.

Yep, that’s what happened yesterday.

Well…not literally nothing, but it’s not like I was super busy and didn’t have time. I just…forgot. And you know what? I’m not going to beat myself up about it. The real goal is to write every day and that I didn’t forget. I’m also not giving up. I may miss a day here or there, but I’m still determined to get through this blasted 365 project.

I won’t call it a fail because I’ve posted more days than I haven’t, and I plan to keep it that way. I’d much rather post when I have something to say, but since the goal is to write every day and using this blog is a good way to keep myself accountable, I won’t use the I don’t have anything to say cop-out.

I’m sure there will be other missed days, but I’m going to keep on plugging along.

Who’s with me!

Tags: 365 Fail, 365 Project, Goals, Writing