Archive for July, 2011

Jul 20

Is Summer Over Yet?

When I was a kid Summer vacation meant long leisure days of fun in the sun. Swimming all day, running around the park in my swim suit, a trip to the water park and Magic Mountain. It was a beautiful time.

As an freelance entrepreneur and mother, its a different story. I rather dread the Summers because now I have to figure out how to keep the kids occupied without having to spend hundreds of dollars to send them to day camp. They have all the Summer fun, but I’m frustrated because my work space has been invaded and in order to get anything done, I have to go to the coffee shop or spend the entire day in my room.

And I hate it.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some things to enjoy about the Summer, the most important of which is that the boys are together. But that means brotherly fights, refereeing those fights, and really being challenged as a parent. On top of it all, my teenage brother usually comes to visit and the fact that food seems to go SO fast.

Put it all together and you have a recipe for one stressed out work-from-home-mama. Especially when I come out of my room and the kitchen is piled up with dishes and there’s flour everywhere from some stupid “flour fight.” (I know ridiculous, but they did at least try to clean it up).

I’m over the whole Summer thing (except for the weather) and ready for the kids to go back to school.

Can I get a witness?

Image © AshleyCampbell Photography

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Jul 14

It’s My Responsibility to be the Adult in the Room

It never fails. Every time the elder boy comes to visit for the Summer, we get into at least one huge blow-out argument. It always starts out as something relatively small, but the boy is always trying to test me and see how far I’ll let him push. That is, after all, part of being an adolescent.

We were doing so well this year. I had been cross with him a few times, but he seemed to mature and understand that I wasn’t tolerating any BS. That and my younger brother has been here to help keep the boy in check.

One thing that I’ve been being very patient about was the teasing. It seems like that’s what kids do; they tease each other. I suppose us grown-ups do it too, but at least among my friends, the ribbing never seemed so harsh. I mean…I can’t remember every being called ugly by anyone I considered a friend, let along a sibling or family member. And after I had a conversation with the boys about it, they seemed to tone it down.

Then the younger and elder boy were playing a game on the Wii and the younger boy did something good and decided to do a victory dance.

“You can’t dance,” elder boy snapped.

“Don’t say mean things for the sake of being mean,” I interjected. I mean, the younger boy stood there looking hurt and I simply don’t like the idea of them tearing each other down.

“Whatever mom. It was just a joke.”

“Don’t joke like that. I told you before that those kinds of jokes aren’t funny. There’s no reason to say something like that.”

“Why are you yelling?” A common question he asks when I get on his case about something. I might have taken a harsh tone, but I certainly wasn’t yelling.

We went back and forth a few times before he snapped at me not to yell at him at which point I explained that I wasn’t and demonstrated what yelling sounded like by telling him to turn off the video game.

And he went OFF. Shut the game down and started snatching the cords from here and there. Gathering his things and stomping around. He was in full-on brat mode and I was in full-on ready to kill his ass mode.

I stopped him at the door. “Put that suitcase down.”

I also went on yelling at him about why he can’t just be mean for the sake of being mean and I was tired of him saying mean things to his brother and…he yelled back and I grabbed him by the collar and told him he’d better get it together. I sent him to the bedroom with instructions to calm himself down.

When he continued to stomp around making loud closed mouth screaming sounds, I went into the bedroom and yelled at him to stop. He ignored me. He said he just wanted to put his stuff away. I yelled that he needed to calm down first.

Of course, all of my yelling and being out of control did nothing to help him calm down. Sure, he as being bratty, but it was my job as the adult to maintain control of situation because as a 12-year-old, he was just going to respond to me with the same energy I was giving him.

It was when I realized this that I stopped yelling and arguing. He had to sit in the room for 10 minutes and calm down. We didn’t need to talk about it, I had already said my piece. I’d be back to check on him and once his 10 minutes was up, we’d be done with the whole thing.

When I returned in 10 minutes, he was calm. I briefly explained why he had been placed on time out (yes, time out for a 12-year-old, and it worked) and told him I was sorry for yelling. He apologized and told me what he had learned. We hugged and kissed and let it all go. Five minutes later we were laughing together and the previous drama was nearly forgotten.

What did I learn? I’m the grown-up, he’s the child. There’s no need to argue and yell. No need to be mean and aggressive. When I calmed down, so did he. We didn’t have to argue and keep going over and over why what he did was wrong. When I stopped yelling and instead controlled myself and the situation, the resolution became much easier.

And in the end, it was my responsibility to be the adult in the room.

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Jul 07

Are You Ready to Join the Ranks of Urban Bicyclists?

I’ve been commuting by bike for over a year now but people are always surprised and sometimes amazed that I can survive without a car in Southern California.

First of all, it didn’t start off as being a choice. I was abruptly confronted with not being able to afford the luxury of a car and I wanted an efficient way to get around town. Despite Southern California’s deeply ingrained car culture and the fact that people think biking for transportation is dangerous, I find it quite fun and efficient.

I bike pretty much everywhere now, unless I get a ride or have lots of errands to run (and then I just rent). I don’t have to deal with sitting in traffic. I don’t have to deal with the gas prices. I don’t have to deal with the maintenance. I don’t have to deal with a car note, registration, insurance…Now I know that California car culture is an albatross around our necks.

And a stressful one. It wasn’t until I stopped driving that I realized how stressful it can be. Now I spend a lot more time doing things besides driving and cycling around means that fitness is automatically incorporated into my lifestyle.

Urban bicycling is becoming more popular in some parts of Southern California. This is probably a result of rising gas prices. There is some evidence that urban bicycling improves the quality of life for urban dwellers. This quality of life improvement is attributed partially to the increased activity, but also to the reduced stress of not having to get in a car to go everywhere. When you add to it the earth friendliness of not hopping in the car to make a 5 minute trip to the local convenience store, you’ll see the benefits of urban cycling really start to add up.

You absolutely have to consider the city you live in before you decide to become an urban bicycle commuter. In most SoCal cities, bicyclists must content with motor traffic, that isn’t prepared for the reality that California vehicle code considers bikes vehicles and should be treated as such.

Does you city have bike paths? If not, is the right hand of the roadway wide enough for you to ride without impeding the flow of traffic? (NOTE: This not a legal consideration, just a safety one. Remember bicyclists have just as much right to the road as car drivers do). Are there lots of blind curves where cars zip around and hit you before they even see you there? What’s the city cycling population like? If there is a significant number of cyclists on the road regularly, a lack of bike lanes might not be a problem.

The cars aren’t the only thing to take into consideration though. The biggest complaint of car drivers is that bicyclists are inconsiderate and don’t obey traffic laws. As an urban cyclist, I’ve seen the recklessness of others on bikes. I’ve seen people ignore red lights and stop signs. I’ve seen people cross lanes to make a left turn, when oncoming traffic seemed dangerously close. I’ve seen people ride down the wrong side of the road, against the flow of traffic. All of these things put the cyclist, not the car, in danger. As a general rule, urban bicyclist fair best when they are treated — and behave — like they are part of regular traffic.

Riding on the sidewalk is also dangerous. If you’re on your bike, you are not a pedestrian, and you actually present a hazard to those who are. And if you ride against traffic on the sidewalk, you are at risk of not being seen by cars coming out of driveways (they should look both ways, but often they only look in the direction of oncoming traffic).

Last, but certainly not least, I recommend that anyone riding a bike wear a helmet. I see people biking all over town, safely and recklessly, and 90% of them without helmets. California law only requires children under 18 to wear a helmet while biking, but when you’re an urban cyclist you need all the protection you can get. And guess what, the helmet is ALL THE PROTECTION YOU GET. Wear one.

Now that we’ve gotten all of that out of the way, go out and join the increasing ranks of urban cyclists. You can start small, but I’m betting you’ll find that with all the sun and the dopamine produced by the increased activity, bicycling around town will become one of your favorite past times.

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