Archive for June, 2011

Jun 20

Of Mourning, Lost Time and Last Words

I had a feeling this day would be arriving sooner than I was comfortable with admitting. And still I kept telling myself there would be more time. Another Christmas to pop in and sit with him for a while. Another Mother’s Day that maybe we’d have brunch together. Another day I could call and just tell him I love him.

But time ran out and now I’m left with this mourning.

My brother called before sunrise to tell me that our dad had passed. Only, he couldn’t actually say it. He was just crying and I didn’t need him to say the thing I knew he couldn’t say. So I said it for him. And for a moment, I felt myself go numb.

My dad had been very sick for a long time. He had been depressed and lonely since losing the love of his life to breast cancer. He hadn’t been the daddy I remembered for many years and we had grown apart.

As I got older, I started feeling like maybe I never knew my dad very well. He was an emotionally-closed man of few words. But somehow I always knew that he loved me. And I loved him. And we loved each other the best way we knew how.

Unfortunately, when I wasn’t making the effort, we went long stretches without seeing each other. The kid in me wanted her daddy to just pick up the phone and call her. The adult in me wanted the kid to get over it and call dad. And I did, once…about a year ago.

He was in the hospital and I was afraid that would be my last chance to talk to him. I asked him if I should visit and he told me he’d call me when he got home — which, of course, he never did. As we talked I asked him about his health and he spun me some bullshit about being ok. I wanted to believe him, but I knew he wasn’t well. Still, I didn’t push. We had a short conversation before we ran out of things to say and began our goodbyes.

“Dad,” I said. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Kimberlee.”

And those were the last words we said to each other.

The next time I saw him, he was in the hospital again. This time in a diabetic coma and even more frail than I remembered. I almost didn’t recognize him. I sat next to his bed wishing I knew more about his condition…hoping he’d wake up and I would have one more chance to talk to him.

That was three weeks ago and today I got the call I had been expecting — and dreading. And while I wish I had been brave enough to visit him in recent years, I am so grateful that the last thing we said to each other was “I love you.”

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Jun 15

Worry Edges Out Possibilities and Happiness

Don't worry, be happyMy sister often talks about how I am her example of how faith works. She’s seen me take risks and believe that the universe would return my willingness with abundant prosperity; and it has. For most of us, the problem isn’t that there aren’t opportunities and possibilities, its that we give into the fear and worry.

But there is one basic principal that got me on the path of shifting my perception away from lack and limitation to limitless possibilities.

I stopped worrying.

The concept is deceptively simple. I like to plan. I like to create structure around myself. I don’t like when things don’t go the way I plan them and I am still learning to be a good steward over my finances. But through all of life’s ups and downs, I’ve learned that worrying just gets in the way.

Ultimately the worry is fear. And fear doesn’t focus on possibilities. It puts the focus squarely on the problem and magnifies it so you feel helpless. The helplessness turns into stress and then you find yourself unable to rest or focus on anything other than whatever your current worry is. And some people worry all the time. That must be a stressful life.

I made a conscious decision not to worry and since then, when stressors come, I have learned to trust that everything will work itself out. It took years to get to this place where I can simply trust that things will work for the good. Yes, that’s right. I trust that things will work in my favor. After years of going through life’s peaks and valleys, I’ve learned that worry edges out the ability to see possibilities, and creates more stress.

And, really. Who needs that much stress in their lives? I sure don’t

Instead of worrying and focusing on the problem, when something comes up, I first evaluate what I can do about it. If there are actions I can take immediately to resolve the problem, I get to work. If there’s no immediate action that can be taken and I feel worry start to creep up, I remember that I have never gone hungry or been without shelter. In fact, my life has constantly improved and I have always been able to take care of my kids. I remind myself that through it all, I have come through a stronger, wiser and happier person.

Most of us spend our days worrying so much that we don’t even know we’re worried. But the key is to begin changing the way you think and shifting your perception away from the fear, to something more productive. Over time, when life knocks you over the head, you’ll be less compelled by that internal trigger that wants to focus all energies on “OMG OMG WHAT EVER WILL I DO?” Instead, you’ll be able to handle life’s stressors with a clear head, rather the being beholden to the negative what ifs.

Image via Evil Erin

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Jun 08

Parents Can Get Together to Teach Kids Respect For Each Other

This isn’t a movie review for the movie I’ve never seen with the same title. Instead, its an expression of pride in teh collective parenting my neighbors and I are doing.

About a month ago, the Boy came into the house crushed and crying that his friends had told him he wasn’t Christian. While my first impulse was to say, “So the-fuck-what,” I could tell he was very hurt by the assertion that his spiritual foundation was false. Instead, I asked him why they had said this…had he done something to provoke such a response?

He told me that he and the girls had gotten into a disagreement and that he pushed one of them. One of them responded to his violence toward her friend by questioning his faith.

Clearly, she had no real understanding of what it meant to be a follower of Christ beyond the concept that hurting others was wrong. It was a good place to start, but her assertion indicated a youthful ignorance that resulted in behavior that was hurtful to someone she called a friend.

I talked to the boy about spirituality being personal and the concept of being Christian meaning to follow Christ’s example of love and decided to let him try to work things out on his own.

But then it happened again. And again nearly a month later, this time with a group of girls cornering the boy at the water fountain to taunt and yell and threaten to beat him up.

This was the point at which I decided to contact the teacher and request that she take action. I also decided that since most of the taunters lived in our building, that I would talk to their parents. The good news is that the parents were sympathetic and agreed that the kids should not be picking on each other. And since then, the kids have been playing nicely together.

We tend to react to bullying in one of two ways as parents: either we ignore it in the expectation that the kids can negotiate their own conflicts, or we get way too involved taking on the defender position which can often make things worse. Sometimes though, parents can band together and teach kids to respect one another.

Thats what me and the other parents here did. We all agreed that the kids didn’t have to be friends, but we didn’t want them to be mean to one another.

It was a teachable moment for all involved.

Image © katclay

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Jun 01

And So Summer Begins…

With the surprise arrival of the elder boy and a house full of kids this afternoon (my own plus several neighbor kids), I realized that summer vacation is upon me. And I’m so not ready for this.

How am I to get any work done with a bunch of kids in the house, playing music videos, video games and talking loudly? I sent them to the park, that’s how.

The awesome thing is that the neighbor-kid parents are starting to loosen up, and today, the kids went off to the park in a group of four!

What a change from last week, when I thought one of my neighbors was a free-range hater who called the police. I’ve since decided that probably wasn’t the case and that the police visit was a hang over from the first run in. I’ve also realized how important it is to encourage other parents to let the kids go off to the park as a group, so the boy isn’t on his own traveling between the park and home. Not only are they all safer that way, they get to play together and they’re less likely to be bothered by a busy body thinking one parent is crazy for letting her kid cross a major intersection.

I’m winning the parents over and the kids get to go play at the park. I think summer is going to be awesome…

That is, as long as we all kick the kids out of the house and send them off to play together.

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