Archive for April, 2011

Apr 27

Revelations from being unfocused and frustrated

Somehow I knew that I was going to have a hard time focusing when I went to yoga yesterday. I need to do laundry and I was wearing these shorts that are fine in the house, but otherwise make me feel really exposed. The class is heated anyway and it was either wear the shorts or skip yoga, and I really wanted to go. So I wore the shorts hoping for a spot on the back wall, where no one would be behind me.

Instead I ended up second row from the front, with two guys and a scent happy woman behind me. I was already feeling like I’d be flashing everyone when I got into downward dog, and then the instructor turned the lights up. I was uncomfortable, self-conscious, disconnected from my breath and just waiting for the class to be over.

I tried to fight through and find a focused place but ended up leaving about 10 minutes before the class ended, frustrated. With everything. Frustrated about the unfocused and ineffective yoga experience. Frustrated that things didn’t go according to plan. Frustrated about having to wait. Frustrated with my finances.

And what does all this frustration get me?

It doesn’t make the things go my way. Doesn’t make me stop wanting. Doesn’t help the focus. Doesn’t help me be happy.

I recalled previous yoga instructors reminding us to be focused and present on the mat and how that focus was always what made the yoga experience most effective and fun.

Its so natural for the mind to wonder off to some moment other than the one you’re experiencing right now. To get so focused on what’s next that you become frustrated and ineffective. But I have never found yoga as frustrating as when I struggled to connect with my breath and be present on the mat.

Such is the same with building a business, a relationship, and even with raising kids. The more present we are in each individual moment, the more those moments make you stronger and wiser. And each focused moment builds momentum to move you closer to your vision.

Image by Funkdooby

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Apr 22

An hour of exercise a day and an healthy diet keep you skinny…

That’s what the commercial said.

I didn’t actually hear it. The Boy was listening to the TV with his headphones on.

“It said ‘an hour of exercise a day and a balanced diet can keep you skinny and healthy,’” he said removing the headphones and looking at the TV quizzically.

“You sure they didn’t say ‘keep you slim?’” I asked.

“Nope, it said ‘keep you skinny.’ That’s weird.”

And then he did a mini rant about exercising but not just to do it for 60 minutes, but because he’s always outside playing.

I just let the smile growing across my face (how can I not be a proud mama when my kid says something so innocently insightful?) and nodded my approval of his assessment.

But I’m still bothered by the fact that the healthy diet and exercise PSA was selling skinny, rather than health and fun in the sun. Which brings me to the deep feeling of sadness I have when I look around safe neighborhoods and see not a single kid outside playing. And yet, there are commercials telling kids they can be skinny if they exercise for an hour a day.

As the Boy so aptly pointed out, kids could spend the entire day exercising, if they were outside running around, playing.

While society is realizing that our collective health is deteriorating, instead of encouraging kids to go outside and play (and encouraging parents to let them), the TV (a serious play-killer) tells them that if they want to be skinny, they should get an hour of exercise.

There’s a serious disconnect here. So in keeping with the brave free-range steps recommended in Lenore Skenazy’s Free-Range Kids book (which I’ll post an official review of once I’ve finished reading), I gave the boy an index card to show people when and if they ask what he’s doing out there without an adult, and let him go to the big park near our house. Yes, the same park, less than a mile away, from which he was returning, when I was summoned by the police because he went into a fast food joint asking for water. The same park where he made his first friends in the neighborhood; friends he hasn’t been able to see since the incident.

Naturally, I’m nervous considering what happened last time. But we went over the rules, the Boy asked what time he should come home, gave me a hug and went off to enjoy his chance to play. Instead of giving in to the fear, I can rest assured that my kid will be out running around, instead of sitting in the house playing video games, watching TV and being sold 60 minutes of skinny.

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Apr 20

Nothing goes according to plan

life_is_a_mazeThat doesn’t mean I stop trying to plan. The plans are always loose, and I really subscribe to the plan-as-you-go philosophy, in life as much as business. But that doesn’t mean when things don’t go the way I had hoped or expected them to go, that I don’t feel the disappointment.

I’ve been feeling a little disappointed all month actually. Kicking the freelance business into full gear proved more difficult than expected and while I’ve got some pretty good leads, the income is not nearly where I want it to be. Good news is that a couple projects and clients came through, so my panic was abated by the results of the hustle.

But there was another plan, one that involved international immigration and marriage and spending the rest of my life with the man I love. Unfortunately, that plan just isn’t going the way I expected. And so tonight is the last night David and I will spend together for the next six to eight months.

And its gonna suck.

You know what I’ve learned though? Nothing goes according to plan and things take twice as long as you expect them to. ‘Tis the case in both life and business.

And in both business and life, you have to have patience. I mean I was frustrated about the contracts not coming through based on the timeline I had established in my head, but they came through nonetheless.

While it would be really nice if David didn’t have to go home, we know that when he comes back, it will be to stay. And its certain he will come back.

So despite my disappointment that our loose plan didn’t work, I’ll be patient until the plan works itself out.

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Apr 15

“You don’t need that crap”: How to stop the shopping nag factor

Kids will ask for things when you take them to the store. And they love to touch.

The Boy is most likely to ask for things he’s sees in commercials than he is to ask for things when we’re in the store. It’s because I’ve trained him to know that I will not buy whatever is not on my list.

And I don’t budge.

Several years ago the Boy would ask for so many things whenever we went into any store. Mom can you get me this sweater? Mom can I get this hat? Mom can I get this plastic piece of crap toy that I’ll forget about after playing with it for all of a week?

Then I started giving him the speech: I have a list and I’m not getting anything that isn’t on the list. Don’t ask because the answer is no. Anytime he went to ask for something, I’d remind him that I had already answered the question.

Over time, I’ve noticed less asking. When he asks for stuff on the commercials, I laugh and joke about how suseptable he is to advertising. He laughs and jokes that there’s so much COOL STUFF. And then we forget about it.

Here’s the key though: If he wants something from the store, he asks before we go. If he wants me to buy popcicles or cereal bars, he asks when he sees me making the grocery list or prepping to go to the store. He’s gotten smart and undestands not to ask for plastic pieces of crap. He doesn’t often ask for junk and understands that if he wants something from the store, it has to be on my list.

And only pre-approved items go on the list.

Image via Mitifake.com

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Apr 11

The new battle for civil rights

Last week I cried.

It was the day the government almost shut down and Trump was on MSNBC’s Today using the theory that President Obama was not a citizen as a ploy for ratings.

And I thought about this thread I keep hearing in the political code, about America being for “real Americans” and working to make American the great nation it once was.

I cried because I know how great this country is and can be. Because I am an example of the American Dream and because I am disturbed by the racist political code that implies that Barak Obama isn’t a “real American.” I cried because I think about the nostalgia for the 50s and what seems like nostalgia for the pre-Civil Rights era.

Do we really want to go backwards, returning to a time of inequality for women and people of color? It wasn’t until the Civil Rights Act of 1964 that schools were desegregated (though one could argue that schools are still segregated, but by economics rather than race), and gender became a protected class under the law. The first Black American, and a woman, Shirley Chisolm ran for President in 1972 and in 1981 the first woman was appointed to the Supreme Court.

As many Civil Rights scholars will point out, civil rights and women’s rights are and have always been inextricably linked. And it is clear that women are being targeted with both the attack on labor unions (which exempted the male dominated industries such as fire and police), and in the current backlash against women’s health and reproductive rights.

Are women not “real Americans?” Are our grandparents, who were among the first to feel the tightening of the social safety net, not “real Americans?” Are poor Americans less American because they are poor? Is the 44th President — and the first African American President of the United States — not a real American because he is “African American?”

What of all the people who immigrate to the US thinking of the Statue of Liberty’s declaration to bring the cold, tired, hungry and huddled masses yearning to breathe free?

Is it that the United States of America is no longer the land of infinite possibility and opportunity?

I cried because it became very clear to me that there really are people who are enemies to my liberty and wish to reverse many of the things that make this country so great. People who would disparage the first black President with implications that his blackness makes him less American than his predecessors. People who would rather pit working people against each other, while they deny us the right to equal protection under the law.

Then I remembered that it was women who fought for women’s rights and workers who fought for workers rights and African Americans who fought for desegregation. It is the responsibility of those who value freedom to be ever vigilant to guard that freedom from those who would strip it away.

And all I can do is hold on to my deep and enduring hope and trust in the human spirit. Just as I was raised with the knowledge that people fought for the rights I enjoy today, my generation is being challenged to a new civil rights battle. Who knows how the battle will play out, but I know that I am read to do my part to fight for my freedom and the freedom of future generations.

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Apr 08

Raising interesting people; not “kids”

For most of my life I was content to be invisible. While my younger sister was a fearless social butterfly, I was often content to sit inside reading a book. I made friends with people with huge personalities and let them be the center of attention. Even when I got married, I downplayed my accomplishments and felt bad that I was accomplishing, while he complained about his sacrifice.

I thought that being invisible was my strength. That it meant I was humble and gracious. Instead, it was me being afraid to be myself and speak my truth.

And then I realized that if I wanted people to see my value, I had to stop hiding behind the fear; the fear of actually achieving my greatness.

In fact, its the same thing most people are afraid of: their own success. From childhood, we’re discouraged from standing out — either by peer pressure or because our parents impose their style on us. How many of us were the weirdos and misfits and nerds, all because we were different from everyone else? Our society pretends to value conformity, while those who achieve true greatness are the self-reliant.

So when the Boy told me that his friend didn’t want to be his friend anymore because the Boy was showing off when he did handstands, rapping and dancing, I was a little saddened. I wanted to encourage the boy to work it out, tell him to be considerate of the other kid’s concerns. I understand that I am raising a confident, fearless, stylish and gregarious kid. I also understood that this friend was unhappy that the Boy could do things he couldn’t, and he was probably a little jealous.

So I told the Boy that anyone who couldn’t accept and appreciate him for who he was, who would tell him he should stop dancing, jumping and singing — all some of the Boy’s favorite activities — was not someone he needed to be friends with. Hopefully the other kid will get over it and find his own light within. Until then, the Boy will have to look for kids as confident as he is and comfortable with him being himself.

I want the Boy to know that its ok to be himself and to like who he is. I like who he’s becoming and I’m proud to say that I’m raising an interesting person, and not just “some kid.”

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Apr 04

The War on Education and the American Dream


Last week the Freedom Writers Foundation hosted an event for educators (and education students) at the University of La Verne. While there was much talk about connecting with students and diversity awareness, there was another common thread: educators feel like they are under attack.

And why wouldn’t they feel that way? What with entire school districts being fired in an effort to circumvent seniority rights and Wisconson governor Scott Walker’s illegal union stripping bill, teachers are being scapegoated all over the country.

School teachers are accused of living high on the tax-payer dollar hog and colleges have been branded as bastions of liberal elitism.

What’s wrong with this picture?

Why is it that after granting huge tax breaks to the richest people in the country — tax breaks that we could not afford — how is it that there can be a political movement to make cuts to front line services like education?

How is it ok to say people should save for retirement and then act like these people — who have saved for retirement, by paying into pension plans and social security — are robbing us so they should be stripped of those benefits because the people in government don’t understand how to balance a budget?

Why should we sit by and watch as the American Dream continues to be stripped away?

I’m not talking about the American Dream of consuming as much as possible and owning more home — and car — than you can afford. And heck, the dream of job security has been more of an illusion for the last decade.

The American Dream is all about opportunity. The opportunity for a good education and socio-economic mobility. Where does that fit into stripping the funding for education, firing as many teachers as possible and then branding public sector workers as parasites? Have we really made so little progress that we don’t understand that access to good education is vital to democracy?

What’s scary is that this is all part of what appears to be a conservative backlash against all of the social justice policies implemented over the last 50 years. People like myself have been afforded opportunities we probably wouldn’t have had, if not for the never ending civil rights struggle in this country.

Here’s the thing though: those opportunities are what the American Dream is all about. And education is the great equalizer.

Makes you wonder if the current political climate is about “budget deficit” and “returning the country to its prior glory,” or instead, all out warfare on the American Dream.

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Image via Perfecto Insecto

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